All right, Sire? I’m fine!
Go on, I’m coming! Give me two seconds! Should we wait for you? Go on! I’m coming! An escort’s pointless
if you lag behind. I don’t need an escort. We’ve been over this. So, don’t start again! Anything happen
while I was gone? We feared an attack.
It was a false alarm. – Any news of Lancelot?
– No, Sire. – Seriously?
– Total silence. No one’s seen him? Not a trace anywhere. I hope he’s all right. – Sire…
– What? How can I put it?
A rumour’s going round. What rumour? Before going to Rome
you argued with Lancelot, it got nasty
and you killed him. – What?
– What? What’s this about a rumour? Lancelot? Go away for 3 weeks,
people think you’re dead! I didn’t recognise you! – Where were you?
– Why are you here? Where? – In the forest.
– I live here half the time. – In the bush.
– I told you. Half the time
I’m a knight-errant. I thought you divided your time
between Kaamelott and some inn. Do you understand
what “errant” means? We’re struggling with
“part-time knight” ! If it wasn’t for
the Round Table puppets I’d be long gone! Have you finished? I’m sorry, Sire. Round Table meetings aren’t
compulsory. You needn’t come. I could be helping
villagers attacked by bandits, limping hens… I’ve opportunity enough
to do some real good! Don’t be stupid! You have to attend the grievance sessions! I’ll be there! Maybe he’s just unwell. Unwell!
How perceptive you are! He’s alive.
There’s still the rumour. He’ll come back to Kaamelott.
It’ll die down. The villagers
will think he’s a ghost! – Villagers…
– The villagers can go to hell! Easy! Don’t fight for it. There’s enough for everybody. You asked for that! A secret is sacred. I’d never betray a secret. You never told anyone my secret? Never. – Not the innkeeper?
– No, my Lord. I don’t believe you. Innkeeper! Did I tell you Caradoc
wet the bed till he was 1 7? Till he was 17? Not that I recall. There. Help me! The pain! We can’t carry him around! Cruel fate! Your deathly talons are tightening around my soul! – What did you do?
– 3 guys attacked him! Here’s the result! – I said, ” Look after Bors” !
– I did! Friendly tree! Majestic witness
to my fallen glory, hear the heavenly call… – No one to patch him up?
– Merlin’s not back. Bloody hell! We’ll shut up shop
and take him back. Can he be moved? If he dies on the way,
the answer’s no. Let’s go! He’s fine, don’t worry. He’s out of danger. I almost lost him a few times, but now he’s fine. Not raising our hopes? There’s no doubt.
Taste the tartness? The system’s working again. Tartness from what? Taste it again. What are we drinking? Bors’ blood! Bors’ blood? Not mine! – You’re so stupid!
– What’s wrong? Thank you, Bors is saved.
We’re off. I must tell
the miraculous survivor! – Doesn’t he know he’s survived?
– No! He says
he won’t last the night! He may not believe me. I’ll tell him. He won’t
snuff it as soon as I do? Pass your goblets.
It’s even clearer with piss. You came to gather
my last tears… – You’re so good.
– I’ve something to tell you. No, Sire, I beg you.
I’ve hardly time… You’ve all the time you need. I have to tell you a secret. It’s time, today, to ease my soul. Really? Unless… Our good Merlin
told you something about my state? He’s not sure. He thought things
were going better, but actually, they’re not. I’m off to the last continent. Yes, it’s a bummer.
You wanted to say something? Promise not to tell anyone
what I’m about to tell you. I won’t. – I’m listening.
– Sire… I never received
any military training. I skipped it. Forgive me! I can stand, I can see! My fever’s almost gone! Is that being at death’s door? The King told you, you’re better. He said I was going to die! No! Who cares what he said. You’re better. Happy? But… It’s a disaster! I thought you’d gone
to Carmelide. No, I stayed put. You missed the quartering. I’m taking a break
from quarterings. Something wrong? I’m fed up.
I’ve had 3 months of them. I’m sick of them. I love strawberries,
but 3 bowls and I get the runs,
like everyone else. Aren’t you sentencing today? – Yes.
– Why are you here? It’s finished. At 1 pm? You didn’t hang about! I did what I had to. If you hung everyone, I’ll be mad! I didn’t hang anyone. By what miracle? You asked me not to… And there were no customers. – How about that guy?
– What guy? The one you caught
stealing pigs. You didn’t hang him? 2 weeks in jail. Really? That’s not much. He gave the pigs back. You’re usually tougher
than that. I’m bored with it. With…? I have to judge people at home as well as here. At home,
my father presides. It’s a different rate. I’m sure it is. Just the other day, we had 12 to dispatch
in one afternoon! Twelve hangings? We put their eyes out now.
The population was falling. I don’t believe it! 12 prisoners
for immediate execution. Two eyes each –
do the maths! – Aren’t you into all that?
– Yes, but eyes… It’s pretty gross. Your dad’s great idea? “An iron hand in an iron glove.” Mind you,
we’ve practically no bandits. But a hell of a lot
of blind people! I saw your father’s horse
in the stable. Yes, he’s back. – Where was he?
– At my aunt’s in Carmelide. If he’s feeling down,
he goes there. He eats, sleeps and comes
back unbearable! Unbearable? He’s too lively!
He drives everyone mad. Mama and I can’t stand him
when he’s on form. You’re not eating. I feel sick. There’s a terrible smell
around the place. – It’s revolting.
– I hadn’t noticed. – Aren’t there trials today?
– Yes. – So?
– They’re finished. – No prisoners again?
– Yes, lots. Today’s and the last bunch. I did a job lot. Burned them all.
That’s the smell! – What smell?
– My bonfires! – How many did you burn?
– Forty-four. Are you nuts? Forty-three, actually. The thief from last time,
I cut into pieces and fed to the pigs. It fits the crime
and makes a change. I don’t believe it! Sorry for the other day. Push people too far, sometimes they snap. Men of action
think they’re stone. But now, don’t worry, I’m raring to go. It stinks of old fat, though! I don’t know if there’s a village fair, but there’s roast lamb. That’s not lamb. Maybe it’s duck. It’s not duck. What, then? That’s what’s worrying me.
It’s a meat I don’t know. What are you doing?
Have you gone mad? Don’t put bread upside down.
It’s unlucky. Don’t you know that? I know to leave
my neighbour’s bread alone! It’s just not done. Have you nothing better to do? I could clout you if you like! That’s a great little knife. Aren’t you busy? Is it your own, special knife or just any old knife? There must be something
you can do. No.
It seems I mess things up. I’ve had the same knife
for years. It’s seen it all: Pâté, cheese, sausage… If it breaks, I won’t mind.
I don’t have to use that one. – I’m not listening.
– We’re talking. No, you’re talking to yourself. I just wanted to know. What does it matter to you? I’m just chatting. It’s the only thing my father,
King Ban, left me. It’s my talisman.
My faith in it gives me courage
and brings me victory. OK? – Brings you victory?
– Without doubt. Can I borrow it? Find your own talisman,
cretin! Leave my knife alone!
Bug someone else! When it comes to
my pâté knife, I couldn’t care less! What’s he doing? He’s having trouble
with his thing. What thing? What the hell’s that? You should clip it to your belt. Why bring that? You should
have left it with your horse. I need it for the villains. A cauldron? It’s a preserving pan. It was his granny’s.
She made jam in it. – Cherry.
– It’s sentimental. Why bring your granny’s
pan on a mission? It’s my talisman.
I’m invincible now! I don’t have one.
Is that bad? You can’t make that din! We’ll be killed! Not with my talisman. The King and I
are at the mercy! Mercy of what? – There’s more?
– I think so. Can you say ” mercy”
on its own? Leave the pan here
till we come back. We’re at the mercy
on its own. Speak more quietly! I’m keeping it! Superstition’s like fixing chairs.
The new wood has to match. Be quiet!
This is unreal! We’re not that loud… It’s broken! I’m going to get hurt! – You’re safe in bed.
– You never know! How can we sleep? My talisman stays by my side! Can we put this inside it? It’ll make some room. No, it’ll spoil the smell. There’s still a hint of cherry jam. This is Sefriane,
the Duke of Aquitaine’s niece, who’s expecting a happy event. She’s attending the meeting. Yes, that’s fine. I thought women were banned. It’s complicated. So, I can stay? – Why not?
– Because it’s forbidden to women who aren’t pregnant. Thank you.
You can leave us. Whenever I need something, there’s no money left! I didn’t say that! But your proposition needs thinking over.
What are you doing? – Tidying up.
– Don’t touch anything. Do we really need
battering rams? As if we’d besiege a fortress! What would we use if we did?
Our feet? You’re more likely
to be besieged yourselves! – You keep quiet.
– I was just mentioning it. Whatever you do, be quiet. – Sorry.
– Fine. Do you know how much
rams cost? What are they made of? – That’s the price.
– It’s steep. – It’s not cheap.
– I’m no specialist but… You can flatten a door
with a tree trunk. Without being stingy,
I agree. – In Aquitaine, I’ve seen…
– I told you to shut up! I was backing you up! I’m in a military meeting! You’re not here to comment!
What do you know? I’ve the prices here. If you buy tree trunks
at this price, you’re a mug! They’re not tree trunks!
They’re top quality rams carved with rams heads… Which will be smashed first time out! You said we wouldn’t
use them! Are you planning
to besiege anything? Mind your own business! Have us look like tramps
with tree trunks. Fine! How dare you present us
with these overpriced projects when only last week the King granted you
3 extra towers beside Hadrian’s wall, where we never bloody go! Which is why
you need the towers! Shut up! Budgets can’t be
extended at will. War costs!
It’s not my fault! That’s easy!
I need this, I need that… Money doesn’t grow on trees! We’ll just stop eating
for 3 months and revel in
our carved battering rams! Our weapons should have
a bit of class! Put us out of business! Don’t come crying
when we’ve had it! When will you wake up? You know you’re losing money? He sits there,
playing the mediator. Never mind,
we’ll all suck stones! Are you going to do
something about it? I’m pregnant! What’s all this hoo-ha? Uncle will laugh at the price
of your rams! He’ll get one up the arse! You’re all useless! Are you looking for a fight? More insults
from your aunt in Tintagel. Burn it. A challenge from
the Spring Tide chief. Not another one! There’s a new one
every week! It’s a mark of respect. I’ve had enough!
I risk my neck each time! It’s bad form to refuse. How old’s this chief? I forget. Eighty-three or four. That’s right. All right, I’ll fight him. Chieftains show their respect by fighting duels. It’s stupid. He respects you so much he wants to kill you?
That’s moronic! There’s no logic to it.
It’s a moronic tradition. You’re not going to fight him? This is different, he’s old. He can hardly stand.
There’s no danger. You can’t kill an old man! I’m not the one
looking for trouble! My respects, Arthur! And to you.
He’s not here? – Who?
– Your chief. He hasn’t travelled for years. – He’s not up to it.
– So, the fight? Hagop of Armenia,
at your service. Hagop of Armenia? What’s an Armenian
doing here? That’s not the question. Isn’t he Justinian’s commander
in Byzantium? I think so. What’s he doing in Britain? Isn’t the guy who crushes skulls
with his hands called Hagop? This is crazy.
Why’s he fighting duels? I don’t get it. Weren’t you fighting
an old guy who can’t stand? – Is it him?
– How would I know? – You’ve no weapon?
– No, Sire. I use an Armenian technique.
I crush the skull with my bare hands. It’s him. – To the death?
– Traditional. Traditional. – One thing’s bothering me.
– What, Sire? Traditionally,
I can’t use Excalibur. So? Excalibur’s my technique.
I don’t see why you can use your technique. – Clear?
– It makes sense. So, what do we do? Use a sword,
like our King. Fine, I’m even better
with a sword. Just a moment… I feel bad about depriving you
of your technique. It’s annoying. Use your own technique
with the crushing… How about you? – I’ll use mine.
– Excalibur. Yes, but Excalibur… That’s heavy stuff. It’s just a technique. All right, we’ll give it a go. Nobility and courage to the fore! I think that’s all. Apart from some new insults from your aunt in Tintagel. No challenges from the chieftains? It’s pretty quiet at the moment. Very good.
Pity my aunt’s not a chieftain. What’s going on? Caius is here! At this time?
Is it an attack? No, he’s on his own. I’ll be there in 2 seconds. – Is he getting dressed?
– I don’t know. – Should we get dressed?
– I don’t know! This, my old mates, is the end. The Roman Empire was listing,
now it’s sunk. – Make way for the young!
– Often worry at night? We’re teasing when we say
Rome’s had it! Hail Caesar! I didn’t get you up at 3am
for nothing! Am I that rude? Letting your mini-skirted men
attack the south wall wasn’t exactly polite! Don’t bring that up again! Lay off him!
He’s not himself. This isn’t a battlefield. So why are we eating
with the enemy? “The enemy” !
I shouldn’t have come. Ignore him.
He didn’t get enough sleep! We won the battle.
Why rehash it? I’d rather go than hear this. It’s fine. Sit down. Believe it or not,
I really tried to get the south wall thing
cancelled, but the orders came
from Rome. – What have you to say?
– We’re leaving the island. Since the thrashing
at the south wall, Rome’s decided Britannia isn’t worth it. We’re all going home. You’ve said goodbye before. And you’re still here. You even attack the wall
when we’ve a pact! A fish dying on the bank
moves more than a fish in water. That proves it. We’re on our way out. So, you’re going home. That’s just it. I was lying in bed thinking. Think during the day
next time. I work then!
I’m in the army. Stop bickering! What were you thinking? I was thinking, why go home
with the others? I’ve been here 1 7 years. The Roman Empire’s
half German now! It’s all Alarics and Theodorics! Why should I give a toss? What are you going to do? My family’s all I care about. They might as well be here. It’s simple. They’ll garrison a few guys here, just for show. I’ll volunteer to stay behind, bring over Mrs Caius
and the kids, and take up your offer
to become a lord. Are you deserting or not? I’ll hang on to my uniform and occasionally be seen
“patrolling” in it. Otherwise… I’m deserting. Deserting. Leave us for a moment. I have to talk to the enemy about something! It’s crazy! What’s wrong? Hold this. Do I look like a British lord? It’s not bad. What about the name? Caius is a bit Roman. It’s Kay for us, like our trumpeter. I’m not calling myself
anything common! I told them, I can’t make an epic adventure out of
being chased by dogs! They got upset and said I was being unfair… Are you listening? I’m sorry, I’m tired. Say if I’m boring you. – I’m just tired.
– Tired… And I don’t give a toss
about your stories! It’s you? – What have I done?
– What? I haven’t messed up! Are you nuts?
I need something. I’m dog tired and I don’t
know why. Well, I do. I can’t sleep. Why not? – I’m worried.
– About? What does it matter?
I’m tired. Give me something
to pep me up! A Vivacity potion? – For example.
– Won’t that do? I’m surprised you can make it. I bought one to find out how. – Wheel it out.
– I have to find it. I must tidy up. It looks like my house! – Get a move on!
– Here. – How much do I take?
– It says. – I can’t read Druid.
– Nor can I. – What?
– That’s a 1 . Drink it in one.
It’s always that. That’s rough! And that’s “drop” . – 1 drop.
– 1 drop of what? Damn, it was 1 drop! Sorry! Business! About time! Look out! Don’t wind me up today! Training! I’ve other things to do! Show some energy.
Not like last time. You could hardly walk! Make your comments later! We’ll warm up first. No need.
Draw, so we can finish. I’m not warmed up.
May I? A few exchanges
are the least you can do. I’ve been waiting
8 days in a draft. Quickly! You call that warming up? I’m warmed up. Let’s go! – Are you up for it?
– Up for what? The same thing as usual. I wouldn’t say no. Let’s get cracking! Right, twins!
Time to distinguish yourselves. What’s going on? There’s work to do
and it’s a 2-girl job. Are you game? Always! Let’s go! I’m not keen but you’re all that’s left. For what? Remember the importance of an heir? It’s now or never. Up to it? I wouldn’t say no! We’re off! No, it’s fine. What? I have to sleep. What do people call Lancelot? ” Fair Foundling.” Nicknames are great! In Gaul they call him
the “White Knight” . He’s got a nickname there! You’ve got one, too. – Not in Gaul.
– Maybe not there. In Languedoc I’m ” Provençal” ,
but I got my name wrong. Here I’m the ” Big Pheasant”, and in the North, “Dickhead” . – That’s the lot.
– One thing, Sire. You haven’t replied
to the chieftains. We should do that. What are you on about? I had the letter
passed on to you. By whom? Me!
I put it with the others. There was nothing
but rubbish. I’d have remembered it. It’s here.
Did you put it back? What? – You forgot it?
– It was there, now it’s here. I put it there.
It’s not for me. Are you joking? – It says the “Boar of Cornwall” .
– In capitals. Who’s that? You’re the Boar of Cornwall. Me? Are you nuts? You’ve been called that
for years! You didn’t know? This is crazy!
Why the Boar of Cornwall? – It’s stupid!
– It’s in all the texts. I thought you knew. Merlin started it. You weren’t in on it? Nicknames make legends! Look at Alexander the Great. He didn’t make a fuss! He wasn’t
the ” Boar of Macedonia”! What’s wrong with boars? Why did you call me that? I don’t know.
Boars are sacred to Druids. I’m not a Druid! Call yourself ” boar”
if you want! My name means “bear” .
It’s nothing to do with boars. A bear’s better? No, but it’s my name! A wounded boar is dangerous. It can attack a bear! This is stupid. I’m off. Walk away! It’s easier
than saying thank you! Who started this boar thing? It was a misunderstanding.
It’s nothing. Do I keep calling you
the Boar of Cornwall? No, Arthur, King of Britain.
That’s all. Sure everything’s fine
with Merlin? We thought we heard arguing… Everything’s fine. It’s because… Apart from the boar,
he’s upset because he doesn’t have a nickname. “The Enchanter”
is really his job. He wanted a nickname. We came to a compromise. From now on, whenever you
write about him, call him… ” Monty the Maggot”. ” Monty the Maggot”? In reference to…? Nothing. He’s set on it.
Wasn’t it his uncle? His uncle? Was his uncle ” Monty”
or “the Maggot”? The problem’s solved.
Thank you. You won’t mind
not having a nickname? Even with a bear? If you insist.
But a bear, nothing else. If I think of something,
I’ll use it. “The Silver Dragon swooped “down on the knight as Merlin, ” known as ‘Monty the Maggot’…” I didn’t know that! Carry on! ” …appeared.
The dragon screeched, ” Death to your King, Uther’s bastard! ” Half bear, half boar!” What?
That priest’s a total moron! Is something wrong? He wasn’t even old. That’s the heart for you. Everything’s fine and then… How awful! Don’t be so upset.
He was only a servant. You’ll get a new one. I’m afraid of the Ankou! Oh, the Ankou. It’s not nice. He comes,
gets the body and goes. It makes me anxious. I hate hearing his cart.
It could be him or a bad omen. I’m always afraid it’s for me. There! It’s him! At least we know
who he’s coming for! He could grease his axle! – He’s come for me!
– No. A guy wants to see you. What guy? An indecent guy in a hood. ” Indecent?” He glows in the dark. – Phosphorescent?
– That’s it. Sorry to wake you. It’s awkward
collecting from here, so I thought I’d have a quick word. Was it a good death? I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Is it a relative? No, a flunkey. Good. When it’s family, it’s very sad. People are more…
It leaves a space. And then I turn up.
It’s sad. What is it that’s
so awkward for you? It’s silly. Normally, I knock at the main door.
It’s part of the… I go up, people hear me coming. It adds a bit of atmosphere. I get the body and… – Goodnight!
– That’s what you do? But I’m in a cart. From the main door
down to the cart there are 60 steps! With the parcel,
it’s a real sweat! You can’t bring the cart
up the stairs! That’s why it’s easier
to come through the kitchen. I can line myself up here and be ready to leave again. But you still have to get
the stiff here! There are stairs inside and out. But say I ask you
to give me a hand carrying the guy down,
I’d rather you came down
the inside stairs than go out
in your nightshirt. You want me to help you? No, a servant or two will do. You normally do it on your own. This is just a lackey. I don’t need to carry him. When it’s the Queen or a noble, or even you –
it could happen – rest assured, I’ll do it myself. When I really come,
everyone hears me. But whoever hears me
in advance, dies that day. That’s it. Evening! Sire, I’m sorry. A cart’s blocking the store room. It’s me! I’m just going. One for the road first! Half a glass. Then I must run. – Would you woo a friend’s wife?
– Who? I don’t know. – In general.
– Don’t know. Arthur’s wife is the Queen, we’ve never seen Bors’ wife,
Lancelot hasn’t got one, yours is nothing to look at… Caradoc! Hurry! It’s a disaster! – We’re out of pâté?
– Look at the time! What about it? We’re eating at my aunt’s.
It’s a 4-hour journey! Look at that! – We’ll go another day.
– No way! Get ready while I bathe! If you’re bathing
there’s no point going. Hurry up! In 15 minutes
we’re in the coach! The food’s awful at your aunt’s. Hello, Sire! Hello. See you later, Sire! See you later. Not eating, Sire? Do you remember any goings on
between Mevanwi and I? Of what kind? Of a red cabbage kind! – What do you mean?
– Of a kind… Between a man and a woman! With Caradoc’s wife? No, because… I’ve had a few affairs… Maybe… I don’t know, I might have forgotten.
It seems unlikely. You thought her pretty
when you met her. She’s very pretty. Mevanwi?
Come off it! – She’s a dog!
– Mevanwi? The blonde? Caradoc’s wife.
He’s only got one! You’re seeing her? Goddammit! When I recount my adventures I try and make them… Before making them… – Be clear about the facts.
– But the facts… You don’t kill 12 dragons
a week… They’d be boring
if I didn’t invent things. Your story about
the deserted village, it isn’t bad. Without adding anything,
what exactly happened? Nothing.
No one was there. – But you mentioned an old man.
– There was no one. You made him up too? It’s all made up! – You always meet an old man.
– Or an old woman. And it’s never true? An old couple threw me
carrots once. Really? I never told you. It’s normal to make stuff up. Not everything,
but you should be able to bring the story to life.
Know what a legend is? I think so, but it’ll take
2 hours to explain. ” Legend” means,
“something worth reading” . When you spend 3 months
and a fortune having a story copied out, it can’t just be
about the weather! – It needs oomph!
– So I add old people. A story has to have a beginning. – I won’t quote Aristotle…
– Who? You don’t know him.
Don’t worry. The guy who wrote ” Poetics”? That’s the one. I knew that. – Have you read it?
– No, I can’t read. But you know he… Never mind. Aristotle says, a whole is composed of a beginning, a middle
and an end. Hence the 3 Acts. The 3 mole-goddess women who made the Bethlehem guys
build pyramids? A good beginning’s vital. First mistake this morning, we were lost from the start. I entered the village…
Well, not quite. The village is in two bits. The first isn’t really the village. No one was there. Not at the start… The bit that isn’t
the village was empty, so it’s the same. We don’t want all these
explanations. – What do I say?
– I entered a deserted village. You don’t know it’s in 2 parts. Are you going to give
tours of it? I’m never going back! There! ” I entered a deserted village!” – And then?
– Really or with my old man? We’ll see about
the old man later. I waited 10 minutes then left. You’re not going to tell me you’ve absolutely
nothing at all! There wasn’t a cat,
donkey or wheelbarrow! Nothing worth reading about. I don’t go to deserted
villages unless I’ve a lead and I know
what I’m looking for. – I went on instinct.
– Great. Magnificent! – Make a legend with that!
– So, I add old men. You have to know
how to use them. My way wasn’t bad. ” Not bad”? – He didn’t speak.
– Not at all? “Greetings, knight!” What do you want? Nothing. We don’t know
where he came from. His house, of course! – The houses were abandoned.
– Your adventures are crap. Don’t start all that again! Don’t get angry, Father Blase. Why shouldn’t I? I have to make up
for his stupidity! First it’s an old man, then it’s an old lady, a horse,
Siamese twins and 2lbs of paper’s wasted! It’s an old man. Promise. Just say what happened. An old man
is an old man. It’s not great. I don’t mind changing it. Make an effort. You obviously made it up. Everyone does,
apart from Lancelot. How do you know he doesn’t? I don’t know.
It sounds true! There you are!
It sounds true. – Why is that?
– He never hesitates. He sounds sure
of what he says. We’ve never checked to see. It could be rubbish! I don’t think so.
He may add a bit, to make it chevaleresque. He never mentions old men. No one but you
fantasizes about them! They’re cool. They’re really mysterious! Mysterious?
Are you kidding me? Yours never say anything. You don’t know
what they’re thinking. – It’s mysterious.
– It’s useless. An old man should
at least give you a clue. A clue? That’s a wicked idea! And highly original. I reach the lake… No one.
It’s deserted. I needn’t say more.
You all understand. – Then an old man arrives.
– His pet subject! I’m stopping
before I go crazy. It’s really mysterious! He gave me something! – What?
– A clue! – This is thrilling!
– Let him finish. – What was it?
– What? You mentioned a clue? He gave me a clue.
That’s all I’m saying. It’s mysterious enough. What kind of clue?
Don’t be stupid! It was reddish in colour. No, strawberry-pink.
Strawberry. Round. Longish. A cool clue. But I had no room for it. If I brought back every clue old men gave me,
I’d be swimming in them. Isn’t that classy? Clues are bits of information
that might help to solve something. – What do they look like?
– Nothing! They’re indications! – Are there different sorts?
– No. Yes. But they’re not tangible. It’s like a word. – Words don’t look like anything.
– They look like things with letters. A clue’s an indication. Like a signpost? In a way. A signpost gives you an indication of which
direction to go in. An indication or a clue? They’re the same,
from the same root. You mean, there are roots? The old guy couldn’t give me
a signpost? Tricky, isn’t it? Arthur asks you to dinner. It’s the inciting incident. Act II. He explains, you don’t get it. You piss him off big time, he shows his annoyance. Lower your head. Don’t move. Lift it up slowly. Don’t move…. Understand the principle? Is that Aristotle? Tomorrow, we reprieve. Reprieve what? The prisoners. Those who did
nothing serious get out. I don’t believe it! Is this an annual event? – It’s the custom.
– Every year. Villains at liberty. It puts me off my food. It’s a custom, that’s all. We try to empty the jails. We do it in Carmelide, too! We burn them down.
Get rid of the filth! A new generation arrives
and so on… You’re a federated country.
You can’t do that! – You could be arrested!
– It’s a tradition. You promised to respect
local traditions. It depends which ones! I’ll tell you this, I’m at your place today, I’ll respect your traditions,
free those pigs, but next time
you’re in Carmelide, you’ll respect
a local tradition of ours. Which one? You’ll see. There’s some scum left
in the end houses! – Stay here.
– What? You’re in Carmelide. The chief enters
the defeated chief’s house… And there you are! – What?
– The chief’s eldest daughter… You’re kidding!
Forget it! You wouldn’t be so rude
as to come here and disrespect
our traditions? Forget tradition!
It’s out of the question! Want a diplomatic incident? Disregard local customs,
your federated state’s worthless! It’s the house behind you. And try and distinguish yourself
for a change! – Anyone in?
– Come in! Hello. Not badly wounded? No, I’m fine thanks. Just one thing… My sister’s the eldest daughter,
but we decided I’d do it. You did well out of it. My sister’s not so hot. Fine.
You know, this tradition… Frankly,
I’m not mad about it. Because of your reputation? Why don’t we do it,
and I won’t tell anyone. Strangely enough I was
thinking we wouldn’t do it, and you could say we did.
– We don’t do it? What’s wrong? Don’t you want to? Aren’t I your type? That’s not it… As for being my type,
you certainly are. But in this context… Do you know
what my life’s like here? In the mud all day,
3 hours sleep a night, dead by the age of 35? Someone turns up,
he’s clean, he doesn’t look like a pig, and he’s King Arthur!
You can’t just go! The thing is,
I don’t want to do it. – Force yourself!
– No! Shall I go out?
Show I’m not even disarrayed? Today, we’ll pretend. You scream, “Help!” , and all the rest… The tradition’s upheld. Go on. And then, later, I’ll make you one of my official mistresses. No kidding? I was geared up to doing it today. I’m taking you out of the shit, castle life, all the food you want… What if I made you? I’m warning you, I’ll scream! What happened? Nothing, don’t worry. – Was it lightening?
– Don’t worry about it. I won’t,
I can assure you! Would you go away, though? I’m preparing for a role. Which one, may I ask? Cassandra, the madwoman. The Ladies’ Circle
is doing “The Trojans” . I was trying out
costumes and hairstyles. Very convincing. Apart from lousy plays, what do you do in your Circle? You call “The Trojans”
“lousy”? It could well become so. You know nothing! See to the Grail. Leave the theatre
to those concerned. Apart from
the Queen of Ireland and the Duchess of Caledonia,
it concerns the audience. I didn’t think you liked
the theatre. I don’t.
Look what’s in it! I haven’t said anything yet. It’s boring enough already. Cassandra is mad.
I’m being mad. How’s that boring? Cassandra isn’t mad. She’s a pythia. – What?
– A pythia. A medium.
She sees the future. This is “The Trojans”
by Euripides? Yes, but a medium can still be a bit…
Aren’t they? I don’t see why, but… Let’s say she’s mad.
So? – What?
– Is that all you can do? That’s a mad person.
Dishevelled. Do you know any? Real mad people? ” Real mad people?” Mad people are mad
compared to the norm. They think it’s
the others who are mad. – Lunatics don’t exist in the theatre.
– So, what do I do? Cassandra’s problem, apart from being psychic,
is that Apollo spat in her mouth to remove her powers
of persuasion. Imagine you’re her. She knows things
but no one will believe her. I still don’t know
what to do. Try this. You’ve 10 seconds to convince me you didn’t
marry me for money. What? You’ve got to do it
in one sentence. Go! That’s enough! I didn’t even answer! See how you looked
just then? Feeling nothing you said
would be believed? You should go for that,
and comb your hair. I was ready to go on,
now I feel like cancelling! Do you think
I was out of line? I’m sure you’re right… We’d have to work for months each time we put on a play. Many do. I just do it. Do it your way. Don’t listen to me. At a pinch, I could keep the gestures
and lose the hair. – What gestures?
– The madwoman’s gestures. The thing with the hands?
You’re kidding! What’s wrong now? It’s crap! Do madmen walk like crabs? How do you play sane people?
All stiff? You’re such a pain! Go and comb your hair. I didn’t marry you for money! – I don’t believe you.
– Really! – There!
– There what? That’s a plausible Cassandra. So, I have to whine? Go on, attack!
I’m shutting my eyes. Ready? – Didn’t you feel it?
– Yes. Feel it coming? I’m not slapping you all morning. Doing it blind’s too hard. We’ll get it if we practice.
Attack me! Something’s wrong. We’ll have to ask Arthur. Are we men or not? Are we tied
to his apron strings? He’ll explain again. Explain what?
Attack me! – Sure?
– Sure. Shutting my eyes. I must have
missed something. Call Arthur! I’ve lots to do! Get a move on! You know fighting
with your eyes shut? You showed us. You said,
“You shut your eyes” . “Shut your eyes…”? It wasn’t that! I said keep your gaze
at 30 degrees when attacked. You don’t need to look
at the enemy. It was an image! That’s it! We left the 30 degree
thing out. – That’s the main bit!
– We tried to work it out! Is it to do with temperature? We were right to drop it. We tried ice cubes
but it was useless. 30 degrees is an angle. – An angle?
– The Angles are a race! It’s not to do with them. It’s really complicated. I’m off.
This’ll take forever. Wait, Sire!
Explain to us! – You don’t even grasp angles!
– Explain and we will! That’s our strength! Tell us something once… We’ve got it! Try not to look straight
at the enemy. Or we get a smack? Not necessarily. It’s a way of anticipating
the dodge. “Aunty” who? This is winding me up. We don’t understand! Be nice! When someone
comes at you, you instinctively
fight back. Right? Don’t you slug an attacker? We run away! That’s why we’re training! If we’d instincts,
we wouldn’t bother! So, this method involves finding the exact moment
to sidestep. In position. I sidestep too soon, you’ll see and won’t attack. Attack! You don’t attack 30 minutes
after the target’s gone. Back into position. If I sidestep too late, I get a sword in the… Mush!
Go ahead! I missed. It was hard. To get
the exact moment, you have to sense
the enemy. You sense him better when you don’t look
directly at him. Like this. Attack. There. Awesome or what? We’re going to trash
the other side! – You’re not looking?
– No, I’m at 30 degrees. – Not too cold?
– No, go for it. You sidestepped too late. Sire!
We’re all going to die! Listen, Bors. I’m having a nap. I’m tired. Attila’s Huns are at the gate! Our last hour has come! – Attila?
– At our gate! He demands to see you! – How many are there?
– Who? Huns! I don’t know.
Attila and one other. No, the Huns. How many are there?
3000? Do you count Attila
as a Hun? He isn’t an Iberian! There’s Attila and one Hun.
That makes two. Arthur! Your last hour has come! What did I say? Our last hour! Will you calm down? Arthur! You will die! Kaamelott is zero! Stones!
They annoy me! Stones annoy him? He’s a nomad. Castles and hovels
are all the same to him. – What do you want?
– Who? – What? Call him by his name
or he’ll get mad. He seems to think
you’re on first name terms. What do you want, Attila? Attila, Chief of the Huns. He didn’t say,
“King of Britain”! I don’t care. We’re not leaving
empty-handed! What did they steal last time? – Two spoons, Sire!
– No kidding! They’re missing.
We suspect it’s them. This time
we take the women! We already told you,
you can’t. – Why not?
– Because it’s no. He’s off again! Give him the women,
I beg you! – Which ones?
– All of them! The duchesses, the old bags, the maids!
What do we care? I’ll give them my wife.
And yours too! One question. How about fighting.
Is that stupid? Fight Attila?
You’re crazy! Do you know
the Kaamelott women? They’re legendary! The most beautiful women
in the world! As usual the legend
outstrips the reality! Give them the tarts!
Let them go to the Devil! – You deserve a slap!
– Fine! If you get our loveliest woman,
you’ll go? – “Will you go?”
– That’s better. – The loveliest woman?
– The loveliest. That’s your loveliest woman? The loveliest. Guinevere? Guinevere isn’t
the loveliest woman. Watch it! Come on, Father-in-law! I’m obviously bluffing. Are you taking her? All right, we take her! Great. Careful, she can’t ride a horse. Can’t ride a horse? Why not? She doesn’t know how… And she gets horsesick. She throws up. Throws up? That’s right. Still want her? For the 100th time,
Mother, you’ve no business here! But of course! – It’s an official request?
– Who do you take me for? Go ahead. If it’s personal, I’ll throw you out.
I’m sorry… If you don’t, I will. You will be paid a visit
by an important person. – From Tintagel.
– A diplomatic visit? Exactly.
Dame Cryda… My aunt! – The one you hate?
– Her! – She’s not setting foot here!
– Very diplomatic! That’s the welcome
Auntie gets? They said Kaamelott was ugly,
but I didn’t expect this! I see! Wait… She’s still shy. Wait till she feels at home! The stone’s too bright! It’s like a dung heap on a hill! In any case, it’s nice to meet you,
Aunt Cryda. Who’s she calling
“Aunt Cryda?” You’re her aunt by marriage. Oh yes, marriage. Marriage is magical. From farmer’s daughter to Queen
in 30 seconds. Watch it! We’ll fall out. You don’t stand a chance. I won’t be called a yokel! We are in farming, Father. Bullshit! – And that too…
– Can it! We’ll write if we need you! Hicks are fine.
I just don’t often eat with them. Are they all like her
in Tintagel? This is Uther’s sister-in-law. She’s used to another class
of dining-companion. It was different
at the King’s table! Who’s he?
Tommy the Tramp? The Bastard?
When I think… I’d rather a plaguey pig
for a nephew. Won’t you say something? I know her.
Enjoy yourselves! Why did you come, Madam? To make the idiots talk! You asked for that! I don’t understand. The funniest thing is she can go on all day
without getting tired. Don’t start laying in
to your aunt! All we gave him! That’s debatable! Stuck in a Roman Army camp
from 6 to 20, I can’t have cost you much. – Such gratitude.
– And the chieftains? I suppose you’d have rallied them
without our hard work? It took a lot of plum tarts
and stewed figs before they accepted you
as King! The Romans made me King!
Not to mention Excalibur! Why did they do that? They raised me! Thanks to whom? What’s got into you? See these letters? S.P.Q.R.
Senate and Roman People. They ” rag” new boys at camp
by branding them. It’s hard to read, I can’t see it.
My foot’s grown since I was 6-and-a-half. We couldn’t keep
a bastard at home. We sent you to Rome
to protect you. Otherwise Uther himself
might have killed you. May I have some grapes? Your aunt’s explaining that you’re a bad son. And a bad nephew.
Nothing to fret about. A good-for-nothing, like we said. I’m a bad son, too! – Shut up!
– It’s cool! I’m amazed by your calm! I’ve worked hard to achieve it. In any case, Dame Cryda, I find you quite delightful. Me too. Hearing your description… I knew we’d get along! – Are you sulking?
– No! If you can’t stand me,
just say so! – I’m fine.
– So I see! It’s like being with my wife.
You’d make a great couple! Can we go now? In a minute. I’m frozen. It’s you who says
we can’t be seen here. It isn’t noble for knights
to visit inns! My feet are frozen.
Let me get warm. Not that nobility’s much
in evidence these days. Who’d care
if the Round Table met here with a band
and naked dancers! You’ve stopped coming, anyway. I’ve no time for amateurs. On your own Grail quest? Maybe. How’s it going? Anything in sight? And your meditation sessions? Finding an answer? Who’s looking? Don’t play the expert! The Grail, nobility, chivalry… You’re no closer
than the others. Except I’m worthy of it! Everyone’s worthy.
Making them equal’s the problem! You still believe in that? That’s how it is! The light’s
for everyone to see. If it’s just for me it’s pointless. We’re not equal. There’s
the elect and then the rest. Really?
Where do you fit in? You lump me with
those idiots? Not being elect doesn’t
immediately make you an idiot! ” Elect”
is just a turn of phrase. If you saw the Lady of the Lake
you wouldn’t say that! The Lady of the Lake… – What about her?
– We never see her! Don’t you start! It’s all too easy! And Excalibur?
That’s all crap? A stroke of luck! So you renounce everything,
from beginning to end? – I’m tired.
– What about me? Aren’t I tired? – It’s harder now you’ve dumped me!
– I haven’t! I’m going to show you something. No one’s seen this before! Excalibur,
the sword of Kings. I know. You know it always returns
to the chosen one? – That’s the legend.
– No. It’s not a legend. It always returns
to the chosen one. Sire! There you are! Leave me alone,
I’m training! The castle’s empty. My wife’s not back.
I have to go. Go, then! – Afraid I’ll be lonely?
– I’ve my nephew. It’s his bedtime. Until my wife gets back, you’ll have to watch him. – You’re kidding?
– I’ve no choice. Get a maid!
Why should I care? I won’t give him to a maid. Go on!
30 minutes max. – It’s crazy!
– Tell him a story. He won’t sleep otherwise.
– A story? This is the story of a little bear. Whose name is… Arthur. One day a fairy came to see
the little bear and said, “Arthur, you must go
and look for the magic vase!” She gave him a magic sword. There are lots of magical
things in the story. The little bear said to himself, “This is going to be really hard! ” I’ll go to the forest and get
my friends to help me.” So he went to see
his friend Lancelot, the stag.
Stags are majestic. Bors, the pheasant, Leodegan… He’s a bear too,
but not the same bear. He’s the father
of the little bear’s wife. She’s called Guinevere.
She’s a trout… No, she’s… a bear too.
The other bear’s daughter. That would be a cross-breed… A bear and a trout
wouldn’t work. Then there’s Gawain,
the little bear’s nephew, who’s the son of his sister,
Anna, who stayed at Tintagel
with her mother, Ygerne, the… No, I have to make them
all bears otherwise the family’s a mess. They’re all bears.
The little bear and his gang go looking for the magic vase. But they can’t find it. Because most of them
are useless. They’re wimps, they’re stupid,
some are scared. He decides to burn them
in a barn and get rid of them! But then the fairy comes back and says he has to be nice
to his forest friends. So the little bear
gives the fairy a slap and the fairy goes away. So they don’t find the vase. The little bear gets depressed. Each day he wonders
whether to kill himself or not. Sire! Where’s the trout? Sorry it’s so late! Thanks for watching the boy.
– Not at all. Did he go to sleep quickly? If your husband was an animal, what would he be? An eagle, I expect. I’d have said the same. Did you cast the spell
in the Southern camp? I couldn’t do it!
The night before I had to cast one
in the Eastern camp! They’re a day’s walk apart! Did the Eastern spell go off? It went off. How come the enemy
burned us out? It wasn’t the enemy. It went off wrong. I couldn’t correct it.
It started a fire… We summoned you because… Hang on!
I came because I wanted to. – All right.
– It’s not the same. We asked you to come.
You came. It’s almost like
being summoned. It’s the concept. – Can we move on!
– It’s getting a bit much! Don’t sulk, please. – I’m not sulking!
– You are! – I’m not!
– In short… You’re no doubt aware
that Saxon invasion attempts have increased
dangerously lately. Did you know? I’m sorry? Did you know? – Say so!
– I’m listening, not saying “yes” . As you know, Merlin is the
official Kaamelott enchanter. No change there.
But we’re bringing in back-up. We’re getting nowhere. Merlin’s finding it hard to cover all fronts at once.
True? Say what you want. – He can’t cover one!
– I expected that! Because you’re useless! Will you shut up? We’d like you to work
with Kaamelott’s army until we’ve contained the enemy attacks.
For a fee, of course! I’ll be under
someone’s orders? For coordination,
of course. For the magic, you’ll be sort of like
Merlin’s assistant. – I knew it.
– He’s no fool! Can it! Autonomous, then. All right. – Are you mad?
– Can Merlin assist me? The idiot! – All right.
– What? It’ll cost a packet! – No problem.
– More than me? More than an assistant? It seems reasonable to me. Will you please stop
messing up my things? This isn’t on! – You use that?
– Absolutely! For what, may I ask? I use the feet for Sleep potions. 1 . Crows keep a week,
at the most. Even for the feet. 2. It’s gander spurs for Sleep potions.
– Each to his own. If you can make Sleep potions
out of rotten crow’s feet you’ll make a fortune! I might surprise you! It’s not only Elias of Kelliwic’h who invents recipes! Stupid recipes! Watch out!
The fireball might go off! – And this?
– What? – What is it?
– Read the label. – I’m not your lackey!
– Ground blueberry. It’s crazy.
Just 30 leagues away blueberries are blue.
Here they’re piss yellow. Maybe it’s the wrong label. No kidding! I’m this close to quitting! Can’t you find a way to cooperate? I’ve got one! Give him a job in the kitchens and let me work! Sire! Shouldn’t we just fire him? He said he was about to quit. I heard that. It’s shameful! It was silver, 50ft long,
chicory-shaped, with a glowing orange ball
beside it. It sped off… Up into the sky! What’s going on? It’s nothing.
It’s safe to go into the field. Just don’t walk on the circle. – What circle?
– You didn’t see a crop circle? I haven’t been near the field! You’ll see,
there’s a crop circle. – Stay out of it.
– Can’t you tell me what it is? No, we can’t. Go away now. Open the door! We’re all going to be killed
by Demons! It’s not Demons! I’ll explain to you. You’ll kill me!
I’ve seen too much! Get rid of these dopes. Go, or I’ll be after you! Open the bloody door! We’re all going to die! Go for it! You’re all in on it! Will you shut up? We might kill you yet! What’s stopping you? They say you won’t
leave the house any more? You scream blue murder all day! I’m scared shitless! And with good reason, too! Have you seen
your famous crop circle? It’s nothing! I’m no rookie!
It’s a pentagram. A Demon’s on its way! – No!
– This guy’s so stupid! A pentagram has 5 points,
as its name suggests. Your circle doesn’t. No. It’s little lines, like a mosaic. It’s not a pentagram.
Don’t worry. Be sensible.
Go back to work. Don’t mention
the flying things. People will imagine things
and panic. Just tell them what it is. – We can’t.
– Why not? Because… They’re too stupid. So, tell me! – We can’t.
– Same reason. – What’s wrong?
– I’m itchy. You didn’t visit
the crop circle, did you? – Yes.
– I told you not to go there! People say, step inside the circle
and your loved one will return. It could be true! Firstly,
it’s completely false. Secondly, where’s
your ” loved one” gone? You’re my loved one! Where have I gone? I don’t know!
I didn’t think it through! Try next time,
before looking like an idiot in front of everyone. At the time, I didn’t think. But then I thought, since
people know you’re not gone, they might think I awaited
the return of another loved one. And then it’s possible you’d look like a… Yes, it’s possible. This orange ball
everyone’s talking about? I can’t tell you. Why not? Because you’re too… – Too what?
– You’re one of the people I can’t tell. – Sire!
– Venec! Why are you here? Meet you tonight at the tavern. What are you doing here? I was just passing. Does anyone know
you’re by the bedrooms? I found an empty room
and dumped my stuff. What is this? A travellers’ inn? Do you eat here too?
Since when? Meet you tonight at ten. Incognito. Sire! We’re here. I’m not blind! – Who’s he?
– The answer to your problem. Which problem in particular? Sire, I’m not often mistaken about the guy in front of me.
A little bird tells me you’re a real one! He’s a bit confusing
but watch out! He’s a legend!
– A legend? Where? Urgan, “Gudgeon Man”,
Knight of the Seas, at your service. You’re part of the fleet? God, no! How are you serving me? I’m a pirate! Pirate?
You only serve yourself! What’s all this
“Knight of the Seas”? He means
he’s at your service now. He wants to help you. Just as my soul’s
not for sale, unless it’s a sole, all work deserves pay. You’re beginning
to wind me up. – What do you want?
– Listen, Sire. Lend a full-price ear. Sometimes, you hesitate: Is this a silly thing to do?
It’s normal! Clear thinking
is double the decision. Sometimes you meet
the right person. Urgan,
besides being a pirate… I’m not disowning my trade! I didn’t say that. Mark my words!
I’m not disowning my trade! I’ve seen that for myself. Let it be clearly stated! It was done conscientiously. A man without a trade is no longer fit for a job. Do you want me
to throw you in jail? Urgan is also an assassin.
– Now and then. But mind you, a top class assassin! He only knocks off nobs? That’s right.
He knocks off nobs. It’s a bit risky to name names… I did quite a bit of work
in Norgalles. – 10 years ago.
– I see. Renown, renown…
who art thou? What the hell do I care? Officially,
he doesn’t do it any more. But a good offer
demands respect. All work deserves pay. – That’s true!
– It’s important. I could maybe resume
my former occupation… – For me.
– For you. Only the King
could afford his rates. It’s very kind, but who were you thinking
of killing? – The Queen!
– The Queen? Isn’t it what you want? I’m really sorry. Since the rumour’s going round… – ” Rumours are the…”
– I know. Only…
People say I want to kill my wife? It’s all over the place. And I see a lot of places! I wanted to help. I’m big enough to kill her myself. If you know them too well,
you hesitate. I’m a speedy back-up. Just out of interest,
how much do you charge? That is why it’s strongly recommended when attending
a head of state, to keep your hand on the sword’s pommel. It’s an elegant way of signalling
that one is conscious and informed of one’s role as a protector.
Any questions? When you say it’s elegant, is it to do with your haircut? – What?
– If it’s elegant or not? He means appearances
can be deceptive. No, is it elegant? On this subject I can’t resist telling you a spicy anecdote. I was a young knave in King Ban’s service. One day the king received
a barbarian chief… I forget his name… Arms Master,
I have to see you. Can it wait till
the end of my class? It’s urgent? No, but I hate waiting. Get moving. Coming, Sire. Come to the Round Table.
Move it, we’re in a hurry. Why are you seated? Is there resin
on your backsides? But Uncle… Do we have to stand
for family? Sir Percival,
you’ve good timing! Not particularly. Sometimes I’m a bit off… The King wants me
but I’m teaching the young knights. I hate to leave them. Could you stand in for me? Recount a thrilling adventure,
give them a few tips and that’s that! Give them a lesson? They’ll be delighted!
Impress them! The Grail’s a nightmare. First it’s a vase,
then an incandescent stone… – Yvain?
– Gawain. What’s “incandescent”? It means it can
hoard objects without re-emerging on others. Now, the turn-back technique. You’re on manoeuvres. First thing: keep to the back
to avoid attack from the front,
but not enough to be attacked
from the rear. Remember the leader’s code. If he says “attack” ,
“storm” or “charge” move backwards
as the troop advances and come home. That’s the turn-back. – Gawain?
– Yvain. When the leader says,
“make camp”? It’s not a real order. I’ve never got it. No one moves,
they put up tents… No, it stinks. Listen up, I’ll teach you
my secret thrust. If you’re stuck on a word… What are you doing here? I was looking for you!
Go to the Round Table! – The Arms Master…
– I don’t care! Be there! Give them some tips, that’s all! I’ve got to go. Can you manage? Can I trust you? I’m off or I’ll get mangled. Don’t hurt rabbits. Pigeon poo is crap.
Don’t eat it. Is it the same for hares as rabbits? Not at all. Rabbits, Rabbits are so sweet! You have a friend who’s a trout? Fish! Little fish! You’re all settled in? The decor sucks. It’s temporary. This room
is my mistress Demetra’s. Can I arrange my own room
or will you do it all? Decorate it?
I’ve loads of time for that! Of course. All right, I’m going. Have a good night. You’re leaving? Yes. You’re not sleeping here? I’m with my wife tonight. I just arrived! Sleep with her another night! Don’t you start! Why with your wife?
Was it planned? If I say I’m sleeping with her,
it is. I don’t understand. I’m your mistress.
We’ve done nothing. We will next time.
Where’s the fire! I could tell you. I’m off. Good night. I’m not tired! Think about
decorating your room! Will you introduce me to your new mistress
tomorrow? Introduce yourselves like big girls,
if you don’t mind. I’ve other things to do. What’s her name? You’ve asked 15 times. It won’t stick. Aelis.
It isn’t hard. Is she nice? I don’t know. Probably. Probably? I don’t know her. Why did you choose her? Is your brain a sieve? She’s a defeated chieftain’s
daughter. I forgot because
I don’t care. Stop questioning me!
I don’t bug you. I’m showing interest
to please you. It doesn’t.
I don’t give a toss. When will you stop
scolding me? When you stop
winding me up! – What’s up?
– Nothing. Go to sleep. – I can’t.
– You should. – Shouldn’t you be with your wife?
– Yes. – So?
– I’m not. – Is there a problem?
– Nothing unusual. What’s wrong? My wife winds me up
and you’re about to. What do we do? What do you mean? Since you’re here. Again?
I don’t believe it! I’ve had no sleep for weeks. I’ve had it!
I want a quiet kip! A quick one
to mark the event! Leave me alone! No, not while you’re here.
I’m sorry. So? Dammit! There! What is this, liberty hall?
You come and go as if it was… My bedroom!
I don’t answer to you! Do your mistresses get this? Sometimes,
and my mistresses have their own rooms.
It’s different. Where’s my room? In Carmelide,
at your parents’ place. Bravo!
If I’ve got this right, to be respected,
I should have been your mistress? But for that,
I’d have to have chosen you. You’re a boor! You’re useless! I’m going. That’s right. Clear off! If I’m not here tomorrow,
I’ll be in my room in Carmelide! When I’ve my room,
will you come and go all night? You’re still not asleep? It’s hard when I’m cross. Cross about what? You know very well. I’m not doing it like this, completely knackered.
It’ll be hopeless. Better than nothing. Where are you going? There’s a free room in Carmelide! How can I ensure security
if you won’t give me any men? That’s the challenge!
Security with no men. We should cancel, Sire. Six heads of state!
All at once! Not a guard for the door! I can’t cancel or recall the army.
Just cope! If we’re attacked
we’ll hit the jackpot! Turn down the mission
if you’re not up to it! Can we do that? What are they doing? – Calm down!
– We can’t wait all day for them! It’s always the same! The Kings meet every 4 years. – It’s hardly overkill!
– It is, every 4 years! They could at least
be on time! They come a long way. They should set off earlier. Everyone knows that. It’s pointless, their thing. – What thing?
– Their meeting. The villagers say they eat all day
then go home. 4 years go by
and nothing bloody changes. – The villagers…
– What? They’re a filthy bunch of hicks.
They’re lucky the Kings endeavour
to get them out of the shit! – What do they talk about?
– Everything. Health, education, defence… And above all, the Grail. The…? Grail. Never mind. The 3rd Meeting of the Kings can begin.
Kaamelott is very proud to welcome
the Kings of Logres: Sir Hoel of Armorica,
Sir Calogrenant of Caledonia, Ketchatar of Ireland
and Lot of Orcania, here in peace in obedience
to the Grail and Uther’s memory. And I stink! Don’t start all that! Father-in-law!
You talk. I’ll get a snack. We’ve been together
since this morning. Make an effort! If it’s like this I’m saddling up and going back to Orcania.
It’s sad but… It’s fine!
So, Kaamelott is proud to welcome
Sir Leodegan of Carmelide. He almost lives here, but… Is there a bad
atmosphere here? I’m going. You win the prize. I’m sorry, I see no other way. You live together!
Can’t you bicker in private? It’s taken 5 minutes! It’s no poem when we’re alone. What do we care? We don’t come here to watch you trade insults! The journey here was extremely hard! It won’t take much
to set me off! It could get nasty! – Am I right?
– I see them more often. You get used to it. Watch, but don’t take sides. It’s all over now. We’ll start all over again. With all the introductions? These introductions… Couldn’t we just drop them? We know each other. Can we get down to business? We’re all tired… A little formality isn’t bad. This isn’t a picnic. Introductions are a waste of time. Especially when you leave
half of us out! Why must I go
to the back gate? Because someone has to! We should stay together
to repel an attack! It’s unguarded.
They’ll just lift the latch! We’ll hear them
and waste them! By which time
they’ll have killed everyone! We’ll hurry! I care about education, but it’s not a priority.
– Your people are all old! Sod you! Who cares if kids
“is” illiterate? “Tempora mori, “tempora mundis recorda.” It means nothing,
but it does the trick. I never set foot
in a schoolroom. I did. I wouldn’t
wish it on anyone! Wait!
I don’t understand. At the last meeting we voted
for a progressive policy. Who knew
what that meant? You’re kidding! I didn’t really. You say things, we agree, so as not to spoil things! Throwing cash into schools
is too much! Kids read too much today.
They’re still virgins at 10! If they’re at school
they’re not at the inn. You’re proud of that? Reading’s a solo sport. If they do everything solo… There’ll be a real drop in the… The thing…
When there’s no one? – Demographic.
– No, that’s to do
with the countryside. – Agriculture.
– That’s it! I thought I heard a noise. – What kind of noise?
– A squeak. What kind of squeak? Like a door. – But in this context…
– Yes? – Yes, a squeaking door.
– For example. – I can’t leave the gate unguarded.
– I’ll stay. – I never leave my post.
– Then I’ll go! Abandon your post, I’ll kill you! No kidding! You’re the biggest wasters
in the Celtic world! I’m never coming again. This time I mean it. I’m staying at home.
That’s enough. Isn’t one sissy in command enough? 2 weeks hard labour,
you’ll take that back! When the Saxons arrive
in our gardens we’ll be glad the boys
can recite Greek to them! This is getting stupid. I’m not asking your advice. – Do as I tell you!
– Now he’s getting bossy! Why have endless meetings
if we end up here! – Who’s in charge?
– We know… I had no time to try
pulling out the sword. If I’d got there earlier,
I could be King now! But you arrived late,
and I’m in command. – You’re still late for everything.
– What? Don’t start again. He needs a good slap! Who’ll give me one? Rosae rosam et spiritus Rex. I’m fed up with this. Idiots look after carrots,
not security! I’ll give you security! What style!
I can beat you one-handed! You’re so stupid! Are we Kings rusty? Or are we not rusty? We don’t know who they were… Independence for Orcania! The bastard’s one of mine! I’m sorry, it carries…
I do apologise! This is it. You don’t often find things,
but when you do… – Is it magic?
– Yes. – How can you tell?
– Druids sense magic. Not all. The stuff hanging off it
looks magic, but it may not be. Is it a demonic portal or not? How would I know? You’re a demon’s son! I didn’t put it there. Firstly, because
I’ve other things to do… Secondly,
because you couldn’t. Which proves it wasn’t me. We want your expert advice. To an expert, it looks magical. Wait a minute. I just thought it was odd.
Can’t we forget it now? If it’s demonic,
it needs destroying. Do you know how to destroy
a demonic portal? I’ve never seen one! Try and give us
some guidance! I can’t!
I’m not a demonist. You’re a Druid.
Don’t they deal with forests? Wild boar tracks and mushrooms, no problem. But that’s
not my department! Your department’s very small. – I’m going in.
– In where? – I’m going through.
– Are you crazy? Then we’ll know. You might get stuck
on the demonic plane! You can get stuck? – Of course!
– I don’t know! Where is the demonic plane? On another plane! If there was trouble,
could I walk back? It’s hardly next door. What do I do?
Risk it? It’s too dangerous. You can’t take all the risks. I didn’t offer! Didn’t you? If I can see my opponent,
no problem. Going in blind isn’t my thing. Let’s leave it.
Do we care? – Go on.
– Why me? – You said you’d go?
– Yes. Go on, then. – God be with you.
– First time I’ve been told that. First time you’ve
done anything. Go on. Do we wait or go? Here he is! Are you all right? – All safe?
– Great! Is it the demonic plane? – You can tell!
– How? By the Demons! He’d look different
if he’d met Demons! I saw some weird guys. What were they like? Nice, but they kept banging drums. Were they vindictive? Like roadsigns? Why do I say these things? – Give me a hand.
– With what? They gave me something heavy. – You go.
– Why me? Because you annoy me. What’s that thing? – Stupid present!
– What do we do with it? It’s pretty. – Is it wise to bring home
a demonic object? – Were they Demons?
– I don’t know. Do Demons play drums? Is that all? Just one thing… – A challenge to a duel.
– Another one? It’s one of my yokels
playing the tough-guy. The time I waste
thrashing those idiots! The day you lose we’re stuffed! What? – What?
– What is it? I didn’t speak. – You won’t be stuffed when I die?
– Yes! – What?
– What? – Not me?
– He’s not challenging you. You’re not Ban’s son? I don’t think so. He’s challenging Ban’s son. – Who’s Ban?
– I only know one. It’s King Ban. King Ban died years ago. This is Ban’s son. Ban’s son… He couldn’t call him
by his name? I’ll have to get the books out. Isn’t Ban’s son
Hector of the Marsh? Maybe. What’s it to me? – Do I know where he is?
– He might be dead. He’s been challenged to a duel! Stuff it! We’ve spent
20 minutes fretting about it! – I’m doing my job!
– Do it in the cellar! We’re a bit dim. If they set
us riddles all the time… We’ll never manage. Who are they challenging? We don’t know. ” Ban’s son”. King Ban’s son? – That’s Lancelot!
– What? He told me himself! What else did he tell you? To get lost and that
I was stupid. Ban’s still his father though. Let that be a lesson to you. 2 weeks on the wagon
won’t hurt you. Sir Lancelot! Calm down, Bors.
What’s wrong? – It’s wonderful!
– What is? You’re the son
of King Ban of Benwick? – Isn’t it true?
– I don’t like talking about it. You don’t understand. If you’re his son,
we’re first cousins! I don’t give a shit! I’m a solitary knight.
I’ve no land or family. You have now!
Me! And my brother, Lionel! You’re Hector’s half brother!
It’s wonderful! I’m not Ban’s son. Caradoc said you told him… I didn’t, it slipped out. Do you realise,
we’re first cousins! Promise to keep this
to yourself! Why? We should have a party
to celebrate our reunion! No way! I’m a solitary knight,
without cousins! I command you
to keep it secret. Caradoc’s already squealed
about your dad. He’s dead. An orphan can be
a solitary knight. I can’t have a live cousin! No one would link Ban with you,
so keep mum! Mum?
I’ll shout my joy to the kingdom! To be able to walk arm in arm with my cousin, Lancelot! You’re right. Cousin! Cousin. Sir Lancelot!
What are you doing? My father, Bors of Gaune, was King Ban’s brother. Thank you. If Lancelot is Ban’s son, I’m his cousin. I’m not crazy! On the other hand, could you possibly stop farting? I’m telling you, Sir Percival – is sincere about you.
– How do you know? I don’t. It’s a feeling. I’ve a feeling he’s looking
at other women! That doesn’t mean
he’s going off with them. He’s doing more than looking
at Sir Galessin’s niece. But she’s married. – Some people don’t care.
– Don’t be stupid. The law says, ” He who covets
a married woman…” “The husband must kill.”
I know. If he’s really interested,
he might kill the husband. Percival? – Kill someone?
– Why not? That’s why you love him.
You don’t know him at all! Why a chestnut festival? It’s the season! It’s true, we needed it. Till now, we only had an apple festival,
a cherry festival, a quince festival… Seasonal festivities
are important in strengthening fraternal bonds… Sire! – What is it?
– What? – Was there something?
– No, nothing… You said, “Sire”. I was saying hello. I thought you said “Sire?” As if you were… Well… Have a nice day. So, the festival… – What?
– Nothing. – What?
– I didn’t say anything! – What?
– That’ll do! I thought I felt out of sorts! No! – No to what?
– To a barn to store Chinese in! Just till I get a buyer! For 6 years I’ve tried
to abolish slavery! No Chinese! I’ve another suggestion… Bravo for the tart! – What?
– You liked it, Sire? My mother-in-law
usually makes them. It’s like eating planks. Seriously, it was good.
Marvellous! That’s very kind, Sire. Not at all. The Chinese…
I don’t like it. For two reasons…
What? Nothing. – What?
– Nothing! – Seriously, what?
– Nothing! If the King falls for a married woman, I’d hate to be the husband! It’s a pity
I wasn’t married when we met. I’d have liked him to fight to get me. There’d have been blood… It would’ve been romantic. I didn’t frighten you, did I? No, the fruit bowl
was annoying me… Should I do it? The jousters are ready to go! Let them go, then! Don’t ask me each time! Did you see? The violence of that collision!
It’s awful! He found the chink in the armour.
What a champ! When you came back from Rome you said,
“The games were charming” . They’re more violent than this! Rome’s far from home.
We know these people. They’re not dying here.
In Rome… – They aren’t dying?
– I don’t think so. The Three Cliffs champion
bled to death. With the decapitation, that’s 2. One or two’s all right. – All right?
– In Rome it’s by the 50! I know,
but it’s not the same. – It’s surrender!
– We’ve a forfeit. Will you force him to fight? Why make him fight
if he doesn’t want to? – They await your decision.
– Booing? Can’t we let him go? The crowd won’t understand. Start the booing, then. He fought well, though. He did 6 passes! It’s a tradition. – Is that essential?
– I’m calling the next ones in. – Are there many more?
– I’m bored. It’s ground fighting now. That’s even more boring! Even more boring? Sir Lancelot
and Sir Calogrenant! We’ll strive to entertain you. Super! Likewise! Try and favour the crowd. – It’s mostly for them.
– What? Duels get on my nerves. – Don’t do it for me.
– It’s in homage to you! If you don’t care,
I’ve other things to do! – Scared, are you?
– What? Provocation from both sides! Get out there! – I’ll give you a good hiding!
– You and who’s army? It’ll be short
if not entertaining! Get away! You’re not on the list field! Bearing up? I’m glad this doesn’t happen
every day. I’d like to ban them, but they amuse people. Both sides are going for it,
living up to expectations! Would you pass me a plum?
No, a fig. Please. I have to sound the calls! A tournament also being fought in the stands… Hooray! They’ve been searching
for centuries, but I found it! – Found what?
– All the Enchanters! Forever! You don’t understand? No, I don’t.
Do you? If I don’t get
my 4 hours sleep… I’m small and round
and I fit in your hand… Get on with it! He bawls all night,
now it’s charades! The Moon stone!
It turns goat’s meat into water! It isn’t a stone that turns
goat’s meat into water they’ve been looking for! The Philosopher’s stone, yes.
A Moon stone, no. Are you sure?
What does the Philo-thing do? – It turns lead into gold.
– I’ve heard of that. What’s the point of your thing? – It turns goat’s meat into water.
– I repeat my question. Say you and your men
set out to sea. The boat sinks, leaving a goat. – It happens!
– Let’s suppose… You reach an uninhabited
island with no fresh water. The bad luck continues… Who’s story’s this? – Get on with it!
– It’s hot! You’re thirsty but there’s no water.
What do you do? Drink goat’s milk. You can’t do that! I’m alone!
I can do as I like! – Milk isn’t thirst-quenching!
– Really? Less than water. So, you use the Moon stone.
You kill the goat… No, I don’t kill goats. I’d rather drink the milk.
Too bad if I’m thirsty. What if the goat dries up? Won’t you kill it? You need a Rock stone
to turn sand into water. That’s good. It’s useful! – Do you have one?
– No. Enchanters have sought it
for centuries… What’s happened to our food? I can’t smell any fires. – We’ve got our food.
– What do you mean? We’re holding it.
Don’t be so picky! I’m sorry!
It just happened! I was passing the meat store, holding the Moon stone.
It happens. What do you mean? You mean we’ve no meat? We’ve fresh water! We camped by a stream! This is closer. No journeys! Can’t you turn the water
back into meat? That would be great!
But enchanters have spent centuries… Don’t complain.
It could have been meat. The Philosophers stone?
You’re kidding! Slog away long enough you get results.
It’s called work! Get him some lead! What’s the point? Of changing lead into gold? – It’s simple!
– Lead into gold? – I thought it was lead into water.
– Water? I got it wrong.
Fresh water, though! We don’t live in the desert!
Who gives a toss about water? How many children
has Arthur got? – He hasn’t any!
– Don’t try to protect me. I know people say nothing in case I feel hurt,
but I’d rather know. Maybe he’s had one
with a mistress or two. But with infant mortality… But in all, in your opinion? In my opinion? No more than 30. I’m not sure this is the right tent. Knife sharpening’s next door. – It’s for a divination.
– It’s here. – What is it, love?
– Shall we use first names? – Only me. What is it?
– Well… When your spots will go? – Not for 2 years.
– I don’t have spots! Maybe not. So, what? For example, does my husband have
children I don’t know about? What’s happening? – What is it?
– The 4 of Wands. Is that bad? I don’t have the 3 or 2.
I can’t get my ace out. Patience is a mug’s game. When I lose, I get so mad
I can’t see a thing. You’re not a fortune-teller? Never give fortune-tellers money! – All right.
– I, however… Is this enough? It’ll do. I can’t say about his kids. Why not? I can’t see.
There’s something fishy. It’s the way with nobility. Nobility? You can see
I’m from high society? When you pay 3 quid
for a 3-penny session, either you didn’t read
the sign or you’re loaded. What can you tell me? Tonight at the dog fight, put your money on the setter.
It’s in the bag. I feel so ashamed! Wasting the kingdom’s money. May I remind Madam, I haven’t had a pay-rise
for 3 years… In case she has extra cash again. She didn’t mention an heir. Next time, ask me. My room is next to his. His “nocturnal movements”
are few, and I listen closely! That’ll teach me to mix
with commoners. All great rulers have soothsayers. – Really?
– Especially the Romans. Some Emperor started the trend. The day Arthur visits an oracle… My pay will have doubled. You’re talking crap. So, give me my money back
and address me properly! Jump in the lake, mate! I’ll pin you to your sign!
You’ll look lovely! Really? You and who’s army? – Prisca?
– Arturus? It’s you? You’ve really filled out! I’ve been a hustler for 4 years! Don’t you get bored? You get to travel… I rake it in! This morning I fleeced
some dumb bitch! I hit her for 50 gold pieces! There’s never any shortage of idiots! This is my new mistress. Her name is Aelis. She’s the daughter
of a defeated chieftain. I decided to take her
under my wing as tradition dictates
in Carmelide. – No, it doesn’t.
– What? In Carmelide the defeated chieftain’s
daughter is raped and her hut burned down. She isn’t brought home! We are not barbarians. Even though your father wasn’t defeated,
more’s the pity, I brought you home
without burning anything! I know.
You didn’t rape me either. This is my wife, Guinevere, – Queen of Britain.
– What is it? I love hearing you say that. And Demetra, my mistress… Not my main one.
How can I put it… How indeed? One of my mistresses…
Amongst others. If I may say so, I’m sorry… – What’s wrong?
– I don’t get it. – You already have one like that.
– What? What did she say? Isn’t she a bit like Demetra? – What a cheek!
– Is that Demetra? Hear what she said? Delightful as all this is,
stop screaming right now! – I don’t look like that!
– Not even remotely. I didn’t say you were twins. It seems your mistresses
all come from the same basket! Did you see?
I’m using images! Not only are we not twins… The twins are similar too! I have mistresses who are twins. – And who look the same.
– I’m like the twins now? I’m trying to understand!
That’s all! I’ve never denied I like Roman types.
– Roman? My family’s been in Carmelide
since time began! Not being mean,
seeing as your parents are blonde with green eyes, I wouldn’t be surprised
if your dad wasn’t a Roman decurion.
– Call me a bastard! Welcome to the castle. Speaking of decurions,
I wouldn’t be amazed if there weren’t
a few in your family. – Bravo!
– You’ve both have Roman looks in a Celtic country.
After centuries of Roman occupation,
we’ve a right to wonder! – Do you wonder about yourself?
– I’m sorry! My hair’s dark for a Celt, but not black like yours. Your dad’s hair is black. Shall we carry on this way
or calm down? No, it’s great. I introduced Aelis… And I said,
“You’ve got one like that.” Don’t start again! – This is getting tiresome!
– Looking like me? It’s why you were
dragged out of hicksville! I won’t be spoken to like that! I just wanted to point out that, curiously,
your mistresses all look the same. What does it matter? I was just saying.
I’m the only Celtic type. You’re the only one who’s
not his type. – What?
– It’s pure logic. Everyone to bed! A good night
of invigorating sleep! I don’t understand.
If you like pretty Roman girls, why didn’t you go for my sister? – Your sister?
– She’s my double! The girl in the field the other day? Of course! It was an oversight.
I’ll see to it tomorrow. I love it when he dreams. – Is he dreaming?
– Yes. He moves his fingers
and makes little noises. Like a little kitten! – You’re sure it’s to the death?
– Of course, Bors. – You know the tradition.
– That’s stupid. We’re alone.
We can sort things out! At least one of us will survive. It’s grotesque!
What does the tradition say about cousins fighting? What? Maybe you don’t do it then! – It’s likely!
– What cousins? You and me! I’m no one’s cousin! Of course you are! I’m a knight errant.
I’ve no family or ties. That’s completely stupid! You’re King Ban’s son. There’s no doubt! Can’t you hurry up? Let him finish. He’s doing it to annoy me. After 12 years, I know! A chicory salad’s tasteless
without herbs. There’s no dressing! It makes it too oily. – Come on!
– Here! My leek soup’s already hot. What’s wrong? Nothing. It’s all right. Go back to sleep. One more and I’ll be off! You’ll never find
your way back home! Wait!
Today, I found the Grail! I can celebrate that, can’t I? Go for it! Which one is it? What? The Grail?
I put it there! I don’t know! They’re all the same! They’re from the same set! One isn’t yours! One gives eternal life! What’s wrong with you? Oh, my God! Did you have a bad dream? – Want to tell me about it?
– Definitely not! Come here… What is it? – Is something wrong?
– Did you have a bad dream? I’m not sure. – May I have a word with you?
– About what? Yesterday morning I happened
to be passing your coops Yes? – I saw a nice little white hen.
– Yes. A pretty little white hen. A fine bird. – What’s the problem?
– It’s mine. And I’m about
to sock you one! As my knee might
launch into your nuts causing your balls
to come out of your ears! No harm intended! My hen or I burn your hut down! You should go home, sir! Let an honest farmer work! – Or get your arse forked!
– Last ultimatum! The hen, or I waste
the whole valley! I love violence.
You’d better be careful! Oh, no!
What a blow! I’m so sorry, your hen
is completely dead! I removed its head this morning.
Will it leave you short? You killed my hen?
Are you bonkers? You’ve done it now.
I’m about to lose it! I’ll show you. I leap up, like this! I dive diagonally at you… It’s a hymn to cruelty. An altar to barbarity! I fed your hen to my dogs. Your arse is heading
the same way! You’re sick.
Ladies and gentlemen, the suffering show
is about to begin! Give us 25ft clearance… There’ll be blood
spurting out. I came to warn you, I’ve found myself obliged to poison a large number
of cows and sheep. – You poisoned the cows?
– And the sheep. Not all! – A selection.
– A selection? – Based on what?
– Their owners. All the owners called
Roparzh, who live opposite me.
Poison. It was heartbreaking. – You’re off your head!
– They were condemned. – By what?
– By me. I’d condemned them. So, depending on
where it comes from, you could be a bit sick if you eat beef or lamb
for a few weeks. You know very well
I can jail you for this! Beef and lamb is all we eat! The milk too! The milk? It’s from cows! There’s goat’s milk for kids. Same for the goats. You said cows and sheep! I forgot the goats. Anyway, the best for kids is asses milk. We’ve more goats than asses. Anyway,
I was going to poison the asses tonight. All to get even
with that cretin! I should send you both
to the galleys! ” I should…” Enough conditionals! Throw them
in the galleys, now! But not the same one! We’d be at it
before we left port! We’ll give you an antidote
for the poison. You have tonight to make up with that other moron! If you don’t,
I can guarantee you’ll be off to sea! Not bad,
but there’s still a get-out. ” If you don’t…” I say, the galleys!
Right away! There’s the antidote. Let’s treat your beasts
and forget it. You’ve brought me here to give me an apology? I’m giving you the antidote. Don’t ruffle my feathers! Speaking of antidotes, allow me to suggest a place you can put it.
Thank you. Not at… Now we’re sunk. Can’t you be careful? I didn’t set fire to your tent! I set fire to the command tent
by mistake! My tent isn’t on fire? I can’t stop sparks flying! Don’t let the guys putting out
the fire disturb you! All right, Sire? – Not in bed?
– I’m not tired. We strike camp
an hour before sunrise. I know,
I’m not very sleepy. It’s because you
lounged around all day. Having no tent to sleep in
doesn’t help. That’s true. Knowing I’ll be outside
in the cold… I’m not sleepy. It’s… You know? Psychological? No, that’s country stuff. No,
that’s agricultural or rural. – What goes on…
– In your head. Psychological. Why not sleep with Caradoc? I said he was even dumber
than he was fat. He said he was both equally.
We fell out. – Shall I order him to share?
– No point. He ate things that make him
fart to keep me out. I don’t know what to say. It’s been a while since
you and I shared a tent, Sire. We’ve never shared a tent. That’s a long while. You’ve got a nerve! Just for tonight.
I won’t be a nuisance. Be discreet. You’re not
supposed to sleep in my tent. I don’t give a toss!
I’m sleeping in the King’s tent! Sire! Are you asleep? Shit! – I wanted to ask.
– What? Do you think people live
in another galaxy? So do I. Are there planets with only
horses or ferrets or insects? Really… My dream
is to go to another galaxy. When I look at the stars, and the Milky Way, – I feel…
– You never know when to stop. – Stop what?
– Getting up my nose! Sorry.
When I get going on Space… We’re up in 3 hours.
Will you shut it? Good night, Sire. They say the Sun’s so hot a sausage would frazzle
in 2 seconds. Caradoc suggested
holding the sausage out then whipping it away. I said,
“Don’t even think of it. ” It would go black, “and so would you, ” unless you held it “on a super-long stick. ” But not wood,
or it would burn too.” Sire, will we visit Space one day? If a boot up the arse
was enough, you’d be there already. Percival! I let you sleep,
now you have to get up. I dreamed I went to Space! I reached a planet.
You were there. Really? We were washing under a waterfall! No, that was me. I threw water at you
to stop you snoring. What are you two doing? Getting a snack together. – Why are you carrying things?
– What? Lugging food upstairs
from the kitchens! – Aren’t there enough servants?
– No, there aren’t. – What?
– We’ve had no staff for 2 weeks. We’ve taken over!
I can carry two trays on one arm! – Sire!
-“Sire” . – I’m incognito, you jerk!
– What do I call you? You don’t. Let’s talk galley slaves. Am I right that,
when a galley leaves, you travel with your ” merchandise”? My own boat
was too expensive. I pay a captain now
and get off where I want. All right. If I bought
all the slaves off you, could you drop them
somewhere safe where they won’t be caught
and enslaved again? Athens is best. It’s big. They’ve a chance.
Or Rome… How does the captain get home? I don’t know or care! He can row back alone! Why are you doing this? Freeing galley slaves? – They’re scum.
– You’re in no position to… She’s one of mine! – What’s that?
– What? She’s from Kaamelott!
A Viking slave! You know all your slaves?
You have so many. She’s different.
We had a… Don’t change the subject! It’s more if you grope her! It’s all right!
I’ll see to it. I don’t buy them
to sit around doing nothing! What’s the idea? I sometimes take slaves
you don’t need, if they’re not busy. They keep in training
working here. You sell the innkeeper
slaves you sold me? It’s a second job. They come when
they’re done at yours! – They aren’t missed.
– They do double shifts? You’ll kill them!
Look! She weighs 50lbs!
You can see through her! It’s not really a double shift. – That’s too much.
– So? She works here. And not at Kaamelott? They did double shifts at first. 6 died.
I wouldn’t clean you out! Listen, you lunatic! The Kaamelott slaves
are emancipated. They’re free. – Like Roman liberti ?
– Exactly. – Why do they stay?
– I pay them. They’d rather work than leave and be caught
by louts like you! Hands off the totty! Bring her back immediately or it’s jail for life! Why talk galley slaves
and liberti here at the inn? – Dressed as a tramp?
– It’s secret. Everyone must think
my liberti are slaves. – Why?
– In Britain, freeing slaves is considered sissy.
I can’t do it. Thank you. Stop saying, “Thank you” ! You work, I pay you.
That’s that. He’s Iberian. He wanted
to kiss you to say thanks. He’s free.
He doesn’t have to kiss me. He’s free to kiss you, too! Well, now!
Aren’t you on a mission? – I’ve just come back.
– What did you get? – Fleas.
– What? Most clues about the Grail
come from tramps! – Really?
– They said, ” Percival. “Go and see Whatsit.”
I forget his name. ” He’ll tell you.”
Who was he? A tramp with no English,
crawling with bugs. I have to burn my clothes. Wait! Right.
Time for Percival’s account. – Oh, shit!
– The best for last! – It’ll take 8 days.
– I’ll be done in 30 seconds! – Nothing happened?
– You didn’t meet an old man? – How did you know?
– We’re off again! – You always meet old men!
– This time it’s true! Normally it isn’t? Sort of. This is a real one with fleas! Listen carefully.
Tell me exactly what happened. No stopping,
no changing your mind. Nothing happened. I don’t want to know. Say what happened,
without stopping. Change one thing
you’ll get this in the face. Fine! I’m not stupid! I’m listening. I met an old woman… He just said “old man!” She led me to the old man! Give him two seconds to get a word in edgeways! – I’m sorry, Sire.
– Do we have to stay? Go on. She said to see an old man. I forget his name. That doesn’t matter. Shall I make it up? – Carry on.
– I go to him, I say, “Can you
tell me about the Grail?” He says, ” Noble Knight…” – I’m noble compared to him.
– In short! He says, ” I don’t have it” . I say, ” I didn’t ask if you did” . He says, ” I don’t” . Then he tries to flog me
some scrap metal. Crap he’s picked up
here and there. I left. – He gave you nothing?
– Except fleas? He wanted to give me
some rusty nails. I took them. He gave you nails?
Was he cracked? Completely barking! They weren’t nails… What did he call them? “The Nails of the Holy Cross”. – The what?
– What? The Nails of the Holy Cross! – You brought them back?
– Bring them back? And get tetanus?
I threw them away! – You didn’t!
– Do you need nails? They were the nails
of the Holy Cross! The nails used to crucify Christ! Where did you throw them? In the forest, or the river. I don’t believe it! They were rusty!
Nothing special. Maybe they weren’t the Holy nails. Why not? I don’t think they’d rust. – Really?
– They’re not ordinary nails. See what they were kept in! A piece of old rag… When I threw it away I saw a funny stain on it. Like a bearded man. The Holy Shroud? You threw it away? It was crawling with fleas! It’s too early
to bring my men out. Are you waiting until
all of ours are dead? It’s not the moment
strategically. I have to talk to you. – What is it, Sire?
– The Lady of the Lake. Just as we happened
to disagree. Would you leave us? Why?
We can’t see her. Don’t lay into me! I’m trying with the Grail. If I don’t deal with the Saxons
first, they’ll burn us out! I’m not criticising.
You’re doing your best. The problem’s on our side. Your side? What side? The Gods can’t agree.
It’s not easy… Agree about what? There’s a doubt about the Grail. – And what it is.
– It’s no longer a vase? There’s every chance… But it might be an incandescent stone,
as we said. So, nothing new. Yes, there is. Now, it’s possible the Grail
is a Horn of Plenty. You’re taking the piss? We’re not sure. That’s the problem!
What do I look for? Until further orders, all three! I’ll have to change
my illustrations! We’re not sure it’s that. A horn of what? We should just drop it.
It’s all nonsense! The Horn of Plenty
fills endlessly with food. Food?
What good’s that? It’s a legacy from the Greeks. A pain to the very end,
the Greeks! To the very tip!
Uncle, I made a witticism! Come here. Time the Grail got sorted. – You can’t go alone.
– I have to take things in hand. – Wait for tomorrow.
– I won’t wait a moment! A horn of whatnot
providing food for ever can’t gather dust!
It’s immoral. You don’t know where it is! I’m in a state of grace! I’ll go straight to it! The Gods will guide me! – It’s too easy!
– Be careful, please. I’ll be back in 2 days
with the gear. Be ready to party!
I’m a hero! Caradoc? – Dressed already?
– I’m on a mission. I’ll tell you all! What’s he up to? He’s gone to look for a horn. – A…
– Horn. The Horn of Plenty?
Who told him? – I told everyone not to.
– Percival. What an idiot! Oh, well. Don’t worry,
he’ll go 3 leagues and get lost. I’ll send some scouts tomorrow. – He’ll be back by noon.
– Thank you. – Would you like a…
– A what? I don’t know. A cuddle? Try to sleep. I promise, he’ll be fine. Do you believe in a Horn of Plenty? If it exists, your husband
will play a leading role in the Grail quest! You mean, he hasn’t up to now? Are you asleep? – What is it?
– This is in your honour! That’s why I do this.
From a distance, I look awake! You’ll cop it if you don’t go. You’re on the programme! It’s ridiculous!
How can getting badly wounded be entertaining? It’s barbaric! – It’s tradition.
– Don’t question it! What if we get cut and it bleeds? – Try not to get cut.
– Be careful! You’re not participating today? We’re different. We’re too technical.
It’s not spectacular. It’s all dodging.
Everything’s planned. We took part once. They said we were boring. – They’re not used to it.
– How do we fight? You rough-house it! When you’ve no technique,
you have go for it! Sire! Do something! About what? It’s going nowhere! Stop the fighting. Anything. They can fight to the death. To the death?
You wouldn’t make them kill each other? – It’s a bit harsh!
– Really? The crowd will go wild
if you signal. I have to signal? What does
thumbs down mean? I knew but I’ve forgotten. The fight’s to the death now. That’s right. But in this context? Fight until one of you dies. – Of old age?
– It’ll take for ever! Move your arses, cretins! It’s the King’s command. – Go on!
– This is stupid! – He’s not even looking!
– It’s the law. Come on, lads.
When you’ve gotta go… What are you doing? – Fighting to the death.
– Are you enjoying it? – The death?
– Didn’t you order it? – The thumbs down?
– Never! Maybe I did.
I’m off. You carry on. We go on? Did the crowd
see me give the signal? – On the face of it…
– They’re sitting miles away. It’s quite possible
no one noticed. If there’s a doubt,
I’d rather you carried on. It’s safer.
Work it out between you. Is one of them dead? No, they’re both asleep. They disobeyed orders. You wouldn’t put them to death? Is 2 weeks prison credible? Seems feasible. Next time, we’ll do as we did
for Percival and Caradoc. – Meaning?
– Tell them not to come! Not asleep? I’m out of sorts. – What’s bugging you?
– Tomorrow’s meeting! – That?
– You’re very calm! It’s not the first time
we’ve received enemy warlords. If the Burgundians and Vikings
join forces, we’ve had it. They won’t. They don’t
understand each other. When it comes to fighting,
everyone understands. Stop eating bread! – Where the hell are they?
– They’ll get here. – Are you in a hurry?
– Too right I am! To get this over. Don’t worry.
We’ll negotiate to a T. May I remind you, one speaks no English,
the other’s incomprehensible! We’ll soften them up with a big feast. Got the gifts? What gifts? I gave you them yesterday.
The white pigeons! – The pigeons were gifts?
– Of course! I wondered why
you gave them to me. – Where are they?
– I let them go. – I can’t stand birds!
– You mean, we’ve no gifts? They’ve gone to warmer climes. I’ll try and find something. If they arrive, keep them entertained. – How?
– Think of something! Talk about all our local produce. And don’t touch the grub! We’ve several sorts of cheese, goat’s cheese, cow’s… And then… We’re particularly strong in apples. Strong in apples? Yes, strong in apples. We are strong in apples. Excuse me! – Not too hard?
– We’ve made great progress. I’ve got gifts. May I give you a lock of hair each! – A lock of hair?
– I cut them off a maid. What’s that for?
It’s a mark of respect with the Vis… Visigoths.
Shit. It’s Visigoths. – What are you up to?
– I’ve screwed up. – What’s this?
– What this is to say? He speaks English now? We are strong in apples. By Odin’s crows! You will carry your gold onto my long ships
before the sun has set! – It’s taking shape.
– Wait! We were negotiating! By offering them
locks of hair? Blood will flow! Wait! I know! I give you
all the Burgundian territory! – It’s not yours!
– His territory? – It’s fine by him.
– Fine by him! – See?
– It’ll never work! – Deal?
– Deal! Deal. That bastard’s land for my warriors! What a victory! – By Thor!
– Bravo! And now, we’re going to sing! We are? The birds little are! Sire!
What are we looking for? A dimensional door. – Oh, yes.
– Is it hard? – Is what hard?
– The door thing. – In what way?
– Could it hurt us? – No, it’s a door.
– Just a door? It’s not a kitchen door.
It’s a dimensional door. But it can’t explode? What did I say yesterday
before we left, on the road, in the camp, when we woke up this morning
and 3 other times? A dimensional door is a magic
door through which you pass without knowing where you’ll end up,
or if you’ll get back again. – Oh, yes!
– But it won’t explode? You could end up here,
in another country, or at the other end of the galaxy. You only know by going through it. As long as it won’t hurt us! – I’ll go.
– Aren’t you scared? Of a door?
Explosions scare me. What if there’s no air through there? Or an unknown world, where animals attack you
and you can’t get back! That would be a drag.
But it won’t explode… – Go for it!
– I’ve done it before. Yes, but it wasn’t the same door. Go ahead! Shall we go? No, we’ll wait for him to come back. You said he might not be able to. Sire! Can you hear me? I don’t know how but yes!
Where are you? I’m in a kind of mud hut. What can you see? It’s a hut.
It’s tidy, there are shelves. Great. What’s outside? Nothing special.
Yes, there are two suns! – Two suns?
– Otherwise it’s just a crummy desert. Should I take something? – Take something?
– Something to bring back. – A knick-knack from the shelves.
– Can you speak up? No, there’s a guy sleeping here. Sleeping? I’ve got it. Can I come back? You tell me!
Is the dimensional door still there? – No!
– No? Am I stuck here? – See my hand?
– It’s really weird! What do I do with it? Grab it, you cretin! All that for some grotty knick-knack. It didn’t explode, anyway. It’s not very pretty. Knick-knacks are useless enough,
but this one… May I? What did I do? This is weird. It’s a funny kind of knick-knack! If it’s a sword, why not keep it? It isn’t a sword. It’s like Excalibur. I’d hate someone to use
a dimensional door to steal Excalibur. I bet the guy was completely baffled. One Excalibur’s quite enough
for me. This time, we’re doing it! All right. No! What? I can’t. – Why not?
– I’m off on campaign in 2 weeks. So? For 2 weeks…
Otherwise it’s tiring. Two weeks, though! No way. Do you know
how much energy it wastes? I can’t say I do! Sorry to disturb you. What’s wrong? Are you going to pull my leg
for much longer? What? – You said you couldn’t tire yourself!
– So? You’re going to tell me that Aelis and you just fell asleep like that
without doing a thing. Of course!
I can’t! Both stark naked
without turning a hair? We can restrain ourselves! Is that how she sleeps? No, she usually sleeps
on her back, but she snores.
So she’s on her front. On top of you. I happened to be
underneath her… I see. You think
I’m Queen of the ninnies? Absolutely not!
Wake up! What’s happening? We didn’t do anything
last night, did we? – When?
– Before going to sleep? We didn’t do anything? – Yes.
– Not last night! – Really?
– There. Because in 2 weeks time… – What’s happening?
– In 2 weeks time? I’m going… I’m going on… – Ajourney?
– That’s right. On campaign. Journey, campaign… – What’s wrong?
– I was taking a walk. – You’re out of breath?
– No. Yes. Because… We moved the bed. – Wasn’t it there?
– Yes, because… We put it back here.
It was no good there. Didn’t you help him? I wouldn’t make them
carry a bed! They’re out of breath. Yes, because they’re… I’m out of breath! It works by…
What’s it called? And then… It’s hot here! – No, it’s cold.
– It’s cold there. I’m hot… They’re hot, because I carried the bed
and it was hot there and we didn’t like it. What is it?
Do you think we… Is that it? – The thought crossed my mind.
– No! Because, it’s very simple. – Why?
– Why what? We talked about it just now. I mustn’t tire myself
because in 2 weeks… I’m going…? – On a…?
– Journey? Ajourney-campaign. And that’s all. So? It’s really good! Happy? From here you can see
the window! It’s healthier. You’re sure?
Moving it’s a real job! It’s perfect. I don’t want to tire you
with your campaign in 2 weeks… Take this to Sir Leodegan. – His men should be ready at 4am.
– Very good. Mind the maps.
They’re the only ones. Are you crazy? – What?
-“What” what? “What what” what? There was a lady! A lady? A lady! There! How’s the drinking problem? – Listen…
– Take the maps, get out,
do as I said and hurry! The men are asleep
on their feet. – Asleep?
– I can’t shift them! They slept last night! I can’t work in these cond… Have you gone nuts? Who are you? What do you mean? – Sire!
– Sire, what? I’m… You’re bonkers! – Can’t you hear me?
– Yes, I can hear you. What? – Is that her?
– Her? The Lady of the Lake? – Where?
– Her face looks familiar. I think I’ve told you,
I’m the only one – who can see her!
– What do you make of that? I don’t make
anything of it at all! – I can see her and you can’t.
– You can see her? Since when? Don’t you start
imagining things too! We could skirt round
to the East… Do you mind? – How weird is that!
– Hello. Would you mind telling him
I’ve a technical problem. – She’s got a technical problem.
– Who? You are? I can’t tell you.
Tell him, normally, only he can see me. She won’t say but…
Don’t take me for an idiot! You’re the Lady of the Lake! Play the game.
Say I’ve a problem. She’s got a problem. – You see the Lady of the Lake?
– Yes. And that, I suppose is the problem. Describe her, just for fun! – She’s not bad.
– I told you that. I can confirm it. Tell him I’ll be back. She’s gone. Finished taking the piss? She’s gone.
Although she’ll be back. What do you say to the Saxon chief? Hello? You’re not buying fishing nets! – He’s a chief!
– Would you say something to Arthur? – What do I say?
– He has to respect you. Say something that brings him
to heel. He mustn’t worry,
it’ll sort itself out. Don’t worry.
It’ll sort itself out. What will?
The war? You can’t say that! Scare him! Make an effort!
Say I’ve a problem! Don’t push it, carrot top! Carrot top? Not bad. Watch it, though.
You’re alone against 3500 men! Any idiot can make
a Truth potion! Do it yourself, then! I’d like to send you jail
for incompetence! Leave me alone!
I don’t work for you! You can’t come in here! Boil your head!
I go wherever I please! I’ll go then! Have fun! That’s right.
Clear off, you wally! May I help you, young lady? I just want to know
if my bloody husband is boffing the Duchess
of Orcania’s cousin. He’s shy.
He needs encouragement. Something like a Truth potion. Like this? It could be piss for all I know. Truth potion, home made, the old way. – Results guaranteed.
– How much? 130 gold pieces. You really rate yourself! I’m sorry. Merlin will do it cheaper. Take the piss, why not. You’re not a skinflint? Yes, but I don’t care. The old man’s paying.
Give it here. You won’t be sorry.
Immediate action… I’ll have it.
Drop the patter. I imagined something
more intimate. Like, you and me?
Are you mad? Say if we’re bothering you. We have to talk in private. Better and better! Go and talk in the moat. Since we’re all relaxing, I’ll get my orange wine. – What orange wine?
– The wine for you to taste. We’re drinking it already. What are you on about? Isn’t this it? – No.
– But… – What’s it doing there?
– What is it? – Not orange wine.
– What is it? – It isn’t orange wine.
– We’ve never had it before. And I won’t be having it again. Are you boffing the Duchess
of Orcania’s cousin? – What?
– Shall I repeat it? No, shut up!
What’s got into you? – Yes or no?
– No. – I get it.You didn’t drink it.
– What? – This.
– I don’t know what it is. – And you two?
– We’ve been on it for an hour. It’s really not good. You’ve ruined it. Shall I go and get
my plonk or not? I’ve eaten too much. I lied to you the other night. – I’m not pregnant.
– I know. – Really?
– You’re a bad liar. I said it to give you
food for thought. No need.
I’ve given up the idea. Is that why
you’ve gone off me? – I was never on you.
– Really. – Do you love me?
– No. I love you.
At least, I think so. I’m going, I’m… See you later. A Truth potion?
Are you nuts? It wasn’t me. I can’t do it! – It was Elias.
– When will it wear off? It’s over. You’re a great enchanter. You’re right. It’s over. Why are you crying? Don’t make it worse. That awful Truth potion! – What potion?
– Truth! – Confusion.
– What? It was a Confusion potion! I thought it was Truth. Merlin can’t make Truth potions. – Confusion.
– So… So what? We said a lot of rubbish. We were confused. So, you love me? Maybe. Who knows? He gets sick 2 days before
a mission in the forest? I didn’t twig. Go back up
and boot him down here! I’d rather not, Sire. Why not? I fell for his story. I even lectured him
on taking care of himself. I’ll look stupid if I go. Get up!
No, Sire. I’m in no fit state… Shall I set fire to the bed? I’m useless in the forest.
I’m no good at tracking and… And nothing! You’re coming. Since when
did you question orders? Since this pain in my calf! I can’t put my foot down. You can hop, then. Up! Take Caradoc.
He’s like a truffle pig. His calves are perfect! Sire! Better now? Will the little pigeons
feed themselves? You’re starting
to get on my nerves! Mine too! One last time:
I go first as scout. Bors sets off in an hour,
Lancelot an hour later. – We’re going separately?
– Of course! It’s safer. Don’t start again.
You’ve the easiest place. Easiest?
I’m all alone! The King clears the way,
I follow in case you’re ambushed. You’ll arrive an hour later! Who asked your opinion? At least come sooner! In 45 minutes?
It won’t change much. I was thinking 30 seconds! We could even go together! It’s much nicer! One hour intervals. Is the calf better? Bors! Sir Lancelot? Is it you? What’s wrong? – Are you dropping pebbles?
– So I don’t get lost. What if the enemy find them? You’ve been making
a trail straight to us. It’s for me, not them! Are you dropping stones too? They’re yours, imbecile! I picked them up! What? You didn’t! We’re lost! We’ll die in here, like those lost before us! You’re insane! The enemy will hear! Good!
I need to see some people! Why are you together? – You’ll laugh!
– I’d be surprised. The idiot was leaving
a trail of pebbles! Are you trying
to get us killed? I picked them all up. Why drop stones?
You have the map. I do? Bother! – I left it at the castle!
– It’s not true? How will we get back? My calf’s suddenly
hurting again! Sir Lancelot,
any idea how to get back? I forgot the map,
but if you’d left my stones, we wouldn’t be here. How’s the calf now? My calf? Better. Don’t make him scream!
We’ll be spotted! The abandoned building Leodegan found near
Hadrian’s Wall will be explored by my nephew Gawain
and his friend Yvain. – An abandoned building?
– That’s right. It’s their chance to show
us what they can do. I keep saying,
a haunted castle’s still too much for them. A haunted castle? Weren’t we keeping
quiet about that? Now you mention it… We’re not sure it’s haunted. – My father says it is.
– Because it’s possible. Places like that often are. – It’s like probabilities?
– What? – The living dead scare me.
– They’re scary. Surmount your fear, or I’ll send
Lancelot. He’s not scared. Can’t you send him? You’re always complaining
people don’t trust you. But now, Gawain and I have decided
to become brigadiers. – What?
– Isn’t that the word? The word for what? People who guard fodder? I don’t understand a thing. Farmers with barns…
In case it freezes, don’t they hire
brigadiers with shovels? You leave tomorrow at dawn.
Good luck. Here we are. What if we said
we couldn’t find it? We’d be taken for cowards. – Cow herds?
– What a frightening place! – This door isn’t cheery.
– Let’s go back. They’ll say we’re dumb as usual. Exactly, my Lord! We’ve a chance
to change things! – It’s too late to go back.
– Not if we go now! Have we something
to pick this lock? It doesn’t seem proper to me. – Meaning?
– I like saying that. It’s cool. If we can’t open it,
we’ll have to go home. It’s not our fault.
We’ve no tools. Oh, saving gate! Your ironic lock
has saved us… – Did you fart?
– Sorry. – Fear gives me cramps.
– Stop it! We can’t carry on this way. We can only grope. We don’t have a goal! Your uncle says haunted
places contain treasure. And living dead! – Less of that!
– You’re right. Let’s pull ourselves together. Be brave! We stay till we find the treasure. Enter, travellers! My last residence will also be yours! My God! We almost met our demise! How do we tell my uncle? He’ll call us cow herds. Can we bear more humiliation? We must go back. We’ll gather up our courage. If the voice speaks, we’ll say we don’t understand
his accent. He’ll repeat it more clearly, giving us time to escape! Let’s go! – The gate’s locked!
– What? We can’t get in! We must get lock-picking tools. – Can you pick locks?
– No, it’s great! We’ll come back,
and they won’t work! – What’s this?
– It’s all that’s left. – The plonk too!
– What about it? All gone!
We’re on water! It’s true. – Pretend you don’t know!
– Know what? – The peasants!
– What? They aren’t happy. They’ve stopped
picking cabbages. Not one can you buy! I don’t like cabbage anyway. Now it’s worse. No more bread or wine. Don’t worry, I’ll see to it. You’ve got guts,
coming here like this! I’ve even got the guts
to kick your backside! You weren’t afraid we’d greet you
with a pitchfork? Think these tramps scare us? Watch out!
“Operation Punch” is brewing! If protest fails, we’ll light fires! The nobs are in for a grilling!
Don’t be surprised! What’s wrong now?
You’ve everything! You’re protected,
you’ve schools for the kids, you’ve food, land…
You’re never happy! – The work’s too hard.
– Our health’s suffering. We have to take on extra help! Extra help? Is she extra help?
What’s your name? She doesn’t answer. Because she’s a slave! – Slave, indeed!
– She helps out. I banned slaves!
Don’t tell me you have to hire help! You have slaves at Kaamelott! What’s it to do with you, firstly? Secondly, we’ve less and less! So do we! No discussion. If there’s no fresh bread
tomorrow, we’ll burn the village down. Tomorrow,
you can get stuffed. No support, no bread! I’ve supported you to the maximum! We’ll do the maximum too,
starting with a forest fire! – Lock yourselves in!
– Expect a visit! Stupid hicks! – Think they’ll come?
– They might well. They’ll get
a good reception. If there aren’t too many! Hide with the other women
if you’re bricking it! I’m not bricking it! We’re not prepared
for 300 peasants. What’s to prepare? I’ll send them
scurrying back to their slurry! What are they demanding? They’re demanding bullshit. We didn’t bother asking! They must want something? I forget. It was never clear, anyway. Is it money? I don’t think so. – Protection?
– They’ve got that. No attacks for months! Not enough land? They’ve two thirds
of the country! I’m out of ideas! What do those idiots want? Dough? At a pinch… That’s not the problem. Do you want land? We can’t tend what we’ve got! – So, what?
– We don’t know exactly… – But we’re fed up!
– That’s right! I want to play something. How about Owl’s Arse? It’s too complicated. – Something quick.
– What? – We could play Slooby.
– I don’t know it. I’ll explain it. Is the innkeeper playing? He’s cashing up and coming! It’s only for 3 players. We’ll manage. I don’t know what we’re playing. – Slooby, for fun.
– Do we use dice? If you want to. – Really?
– It’s usually bits of wood. 50 two-inch pieces,
50 three-inch pieces and so on, ending with
50 beams as long as the room. – Do you have that?
– No. We’ll play with dice, then. If we’d known
we’d have cut some. What might be good… Have you enough dice
to fill a bucket? No, just those.
Why a bucket of dice? It’s easier to throw
100 or 200 and add. With 3,
we’ll have to throw 40 times. In Owl’s Arse you throw once. We’ll throw 60 times each, to get some leeway. So, 633, plus… 634, 635, 641 . 644! Who’s got the most? You!
You got 800-and-something. I win the round. In Slooby, that gives me
14 options: Cancel the hand, pass, change direction,
recalculate, count, divide by 6, chuck the 15-inch bits of wood… when you’re playing
with wood… lie down,
play without trumps, then there’s the calls:
plus 1 , plus 2, catch the birdy, rigaudon, or sing Slooby.
We’ll just do that. – And the rest?
– What rest? The other things you said? Sing Slooby’s
the only fun one. I won the round
so I sing Slooby. – Ready?
– Don’t miss the boat! Slooby one, Slooby two, Slooby three, Slooby four… – What do we do?
– Stop me on your score! The score on the dice? I don’t know what I got! – 325.
– Yes. I had 644, I think. I’ll start again. Concentrate. Slooby one, Slooby two… Slooby 322, Slooby 323, Slooby 324,
Slooby 325… – Stop!
– You have to say Slooby! – Slooby!
– That’s it. Now it’s your turn.
Since you’re second, you’ve 19 options: either pass, saw the 50 beams in half,
if playing with wood, or raise the stakes: doublette, straight game, winning game, ball game,
board game, I’m game, gone game,
game game, gamier, gaminoo, gaga, katakt, takat, katatak, kagat-kata,
ratakat-mik or Sing Slooby. We’ll just Sing Slooby. Slooby 114, Slooby 115, Slooby 116… Why have you stopped? – I can’t count past 116.
– Couldn’t you say earlier? – I didn’t think.
– Do we stop? We do 10 throws of 2 dice minus 4. It keeps it between 16 and 116.