One of my favorite things about
coming back home to Chicago, I get to hang
with my niece and my nephew. They’re six and eight,
or they were six and eight when this joke was written. Six and eight.
I gave ’em both a couple bucks. Their father’s a finance guy, so he’s teaching ’em
about money early on. He said,
“There’s four different things you can do with that money.
Names it.” “Buy something.”
“What else?” “Save it.” “What else?” “Donate it.”
“What’s the last one?” “Invest it.” And part of me wanted to say, “You can also gamble that shit.” Listen, the Bears
are minus 3 1/2 points against the Titans.
They gonna crush the Titans. That’s a soft line. You need to get it before
it moves up to four. Their running back is washed up. They got holes
in the offensive line. I’d take it up
to 6 1/2, honestly, if you can get it, 6 1/2. When I gamble on sports,
it makes me wish horrible things on the other team’s players. I had money on game seven,
Heat versus Spurs. It was tight
in the fourth quarter. I started thinking,
you know what? You know what, if Tim Duncan
dropped dead right now, I feel like the Heat
could rally around that, and maybe they’d be energized
by Tim Duncan’s sudden death, and the Spurs
wouldn’t play so well, ’cause they sad
about it, you know? There’d be lots
of grief-related turnovers. Just hella five-second
violations ’cause Ginóbili’s holding the ball, just looking
off into the distance sadly. Boom!
Five seconds. Heat ball.
Hell, yeah! We gonna cover. I’d be
the worst courtside reporter. So, Dwight Howard,
how do you feel like your 12 missed free throws affected people that bet
the over? Sports frames my thinking
in a weird way. I went to this poetry event
in Charlotte. This woman got onstage. She said, “This piece
is dedicated to my sister. “She’s been
in an abusive relationship for 17 years.” I said, “Holy shit. “So she’s been getting
her ass whupped for Kobe Bryant’s
entire career.” The whole time, from him going
on prom with Brandy, getting drafted by the Hornets,
traded to the Lakers for Vlade Divac,
coming off the bench behind Nick Van Exel
and Eddie Jones, winning the dunk contest
in his rookie year, she was getting her ass whupped
while all that was going on? Even when they won
a couple championships and they brought in
Karl Malone and Gary Payton. That didn’t work out.
They got swept by the Pistons. She was getting her ass whupped
while that was going on? Even during the rape charge
in Colorado, the 81-point game against Toronto, she was getting
her ass whupped then? You telling me
that Sasha Vujacic came and left when she was still
getting her ass whupped? That’s not a joke
about domestic violence, although I see
how you could see it that way. I understand. That’s a joke about how
I process the passing of time.