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Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay

October 9, 2019


Welcome back to Sports Dome.
It’s the startling conffession that has the whole sports world buzzing. Soccer has come out of the coloset to tell
the world it’s gay. A FIFA spokesperson made the announcement at
a press conference earlier today. -Soccer is not ashamed of what it is.
Soccer is a gay sport. Youth league soccer, the MLS, even the world
cup, all of it is completely gay. Joining us now to discuss the impact of all
of this, is OSN Senior Analyst, Reggy Greengrass. Reggy, why did soccer choose to come out now?
-Mark league officials said that soccer was just tired of pretending to be something
it’s not. Deep down, soccer is about a bunch of guys
running around not touching poke-adot ball not touching it with their hands.
It shouldn’t have to hide how gay it is. -Now, will this change the way the game is
played? -No. If anything I think we’ll see a firmer
committment to the gayest parts of soccer, -Interesting.
-Players will free now to do their bicycle kicks, juggle the ball with their
knees. And generally just be as gay as they want to
be without worrying about what people think. -You know it must have been difficult for
soccer to hide the fact that it’s gay for so long.
-Absolutely. From ancient Greece to modern day France,
there has never been a time when soccer, wasn’t extremely gay. -Yeah and as recently as 1885 a London
tabloid ran a salacious story about soccer. -Rummors like that are what caused soccer to
go great lengths to hide it’s secret. We saw in the early 90’s when soccer tried
to project an overly macho image. Headlines by Alexi Lala. -Well in retrospect it’s so obvious soccer
was just over-compensating. -Yeah, apparently it wasn’t until David
Beckham came along that soccer began to edge it’s way out of the closet. -Yeah, and there’s even been some backlash
from within soccer. 16 year old Varsity high-school player Jeff
Goetter, he released a statement saying “I don’t
condone or accept soccer being gay, I don’t like gay things, I don’t like being
around gay things.” -Hey look. Of course alot of people arn’t
prepared to play a gays sport. -Right. -But fact of the matter is, soccer’s out.
It’s proud, it’s gonna tell the world, “look at me, I’m
gay! Yeah I’m gay.” -Gay things comes in all shapes and sizes.
Thanks Reg. When we come back, americas top high school
masscot has signed a letter of intent, to annoy people in UCLA. -Alot of networks report the news as it
happens. But only one has the power to report the
news before it happens. Through our state of the art Worm-Hole
Satelite, the Onion News Network Future Channel
brings you exclusive news transmissions, from the year 2137. Because to stay ahead in today’s world, you
need to know what’s going to happen in tomorrows.

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28 Comments

  • Reply NegatingSilence April 27, 2019 at 9:35 am

    WOW look at those dislikes indicating some perplexing defensiveness over something completely absurd that doesn't require any defensiveness…. hmm…

  • Reply Jeff Schatz April 27, 2019 at 10:40 pm

    Do you remember the time when we were walking to the store and we saw that guy fucking a goat and I laughed and you said Stop maaaking fun of my daaaaaaaaaaaad!

  • Reply J Hoeh April 28, 2019 at 4:41 pm

    Us Americans already knew this????

  • Reply Braden Williams April 30, 2019 at 9:14 pm

    This isn’t surprising tho

  • Reply Abdullah Ansari May 5, 2019 at 8:05 pm

    Onion have joked about about greedy Jews, the holocaust, black people, Asians and so much more. But this is what they get the most hate for??

  • Reply George Beeson May 15, 2019 at 2:18 am

    I am huting laughing so hard I almost threw up laughing so hard

  • Reply Eduardo Gutierrez May 28, 2019 at 12:19 am

    Soccer sucks and its gay in USA.
    Fortunately we have FOOTBALL, A WORLD KNOWN SPORT were people mostly kick a spherical ball with their feet. Football is manly in the world, soccer gay in USA XD

  • Reply Ricardo Flores June 5, 2019 at 4:51 am

    LMAO bitches be jealous

  • Reply Jack June 5, 2019 at 8:51 pm

    Soccer is pretty damn gay

  • Reply Danny G June 16, 2019 at 1:46 am

    Why all the dislikes? Do people not realize this is satire?

  • Reply Swagger Son June 18, 2019 at 3:02 pm

    Another reason to love soccer!

  • Reply Cameron Gates June 25, 2019 at 4:49 am

    Soccer is gay

  • Reply geddoe316 June 25, 2019 at 7:27 pm

    The downvotes. Lol

  • Reply Doubting Thomas July 21, 2019 at 4:11 am

    Thank satan its finally been announced

  • Reply Goyon Man July 27, 2019 at 4:10 pm

    Soccer is gay
    Football is Beautiful

  • Reply NosideZero July 30, 2019 at 6:51 am

    The dislikes probably make this one of the best Onion videos ever.

  • Reply GoldThird August 6, 2019 at 3:05 pm

    This is relevant.

  • Reply Ichi Glenndevis August 12, 2019 at 5:21 am

    Wait what happened? Whats with the dislikes?

    Soccer fans triggered?
    Or gays troggered coz theyre being associated with soccer?

    Nah just idiots taking this seriously.

  • Reply Macckah MacMahca August 13, 2019 at 12:39 pm

    Breaking news american football tested to be clinically retarded while local fans mistake full time for a break in play. Stayed cheering for an hour before anyone realised something seemed fishy.

  • Reply MrTeucro99 August 14, 2019 at 6:14 am

    Soccer its gay, good thing the sport its called football and its play with feet and a ball you god damn backwards ass obese cheeseburger eating fucks. I love the onion.

  • Reply Omar Amoodi August 27, 2019 at 11:28 pm

    I have never been much of a Sports fan, Born and live in London UK, and I'm old enough to remember the IRA bombing campaigns in London ( sorry to go all serious ) and the football violence of the 70s & 80s. How times have changed, I don't think making a joke like this when football related violence was at its peak here in the UK would have been tolerated, I can't imagine anyone joking like this about football back then. I'm sorry if there has been a bit of a backlash against this comidy sketch. To be fair, it always seemed a bit odd that America was one of the few countries in the world that never played football, and that play's team sports that no other, or very few ( please correct me if I'm wrong ) countries compete in. Some great comidy from this channel here, glad I found onion news.

  • Reply Mkd Mkd September 10, 2019 at 12:58 pm

    This was so good, but americans are the real butthurts here. They wouldn't do this sketch if football wasn't the best sport in the world. 4 billion fans around the world and americans still can't see football's importance, so they have to make it gay.

  • Reply christopher draper September 23, 2019 at 5:17 am

    A bunch of scrawny soccer players running around with their manbuns and tight shorts on will always be gay.

  • Reply MattTheWaffleCat September 30, 2019 at 5:10 am

    If ya'll want to see the butthurt comments you gotta sort by newest first

  • Reply VortexGaming B September 30, 2019 at 1:33 pm

    Soccer not gay you fucking retarted

  • Reply Kade Karim October 5, 2019 at 5:02 am

    Comment Section of this Video:
    50% These butthurt soccer players are so funny to watch
    49.9% 7.2K "X" disliked
    .1% Butthurt soccer players

    I see the like to dislike ratio but where are these people?

  • Reply Milad Antoine October 6, 2019 at 3:53 pm

    A lot of people here miss the point, Soccer fans aren't mad for calling their sport gay,, they are mad because people fucking calling it soccer and not football.

  • Reply Jah October 6, 2019 at 4:24 pm

    Lmao the onion is so funny

  • Reply Titus Rivers October 8, 2019 at 2:37 pm

    I'm from Australia and I like contact sports but I also like soccer. The thing I don't like though is the gay diving around and pretending your hurt. I don't care if it wins your team a penalty or worse gets the other team sent off(Neymar) Play fairly. This is the part of soccer that people are calling gay not really the sport itself. Also the low scoring can be boring. Growing up in Australia we are taught not to go down easy or let your opponent knock you down playing rugby or Australian rules football, so if I play soccer I'm not letting anyone knock me down even if I can win a penalty. One more thing Griezmann diving in the world cup against Australia and in the world cup final against Croatia a disgrace.

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