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Jimmy Kimmel Picks Democratic Running Mates

February 26, 2020


WE HAD A WHOLE WEEK OF LAZY SLOTH-LIKE BEHAVIOR. GUILLERMO, WHAT DID YOU DO LAST WEEK DURING THE VACATION?>>I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH MY FAMILY.>>Jimmy: A LOT OF TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY DOING WHAT?>>Guillermo: TAKING MY SON TO SCHOOL, PICK HIM UP, TAKE HIM TO THE PARK. DIFFERENT PLACES.>>Jimmy: SO NOTHING, REALLY, IS THE ANSWER.>>Guillermo: NOTHING. EXACTLY.>>Jimmy: ME TOO. I SPENT A LOT OF MY TIME THINKING OF WHO TO VOTE FOR. YOU KNOW, A WEEK FROM TOMORROW IT’S SUPER TUESDAY. 14 STATES INCLUDING OURS, CALIFORNIA, VOTE. AND IF YOU’RE VOTING FOR A DEMOCRAT YOU HAVE TO PICK A CANDIDATE. YOU HAVE TO PICK ONE. UNFORTUNATELY MOST PEOPLE I TALK TO ABOUT THIS STILL DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE. DO YOU GO WITH THE CANDIDATE WHO HAS THE BEST CHANCE TO BEAT DONALD TRUMP? DO YOU GO WITH THE ONE YOU LIKE THE MOST? OR THE CANDIDATE WITH THE STRONGEST TEETH AND BONES? IT’S A TOUGH SPOT TO BE IN. BUT IT WAS A VERY GOOD WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S — BERNIE SANDERS WON BIG IN NEVADA ON SATURDAY AND IS NOW CONSIDERED TO BE A FRONT-RUNNER. THAT’S RIGHT, THERE’S A 78-YEAR-OLD MAN RUNNING IN FRONT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IT’S NOT EXACTLY THE OLYMPICS. MIKE BLOOMBERG. BOY, THE DEBATE ON WEDNESDAY WAS A DISASTER FOR MIKE BLOOMBERG. THE DEMOCRATS PUT ON A — IT WAS A REAL VEGAS MAGIC SHOW. ELIZABETH WARREN SAWED BLOOMBERG’S CAMPAIGN IN HALF IN LAS VEGAS. EVERYONE PILED ON HIM. YOU KNOW, HE’S SPENDING A LOT OF MONEY. HE SPENT MORE THAN $500 MILLION SO FAR. HE’S BUYING EVERYTHING. COMMERCIALS, SOCIAL MEDIA, BILLBOARDS. HE EVEN HIRED THE HOUSTON ASTROS TO GO AROUND STEALING THE OTHER CANDIDATES’ SIGNS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HE’S SERIOUS. BUT IT IS ONLY — IT’S REALLY ADDED TO THE CONFUSION. THERE’S STILL A LOT OF UNDECIDED VOTERS. AND THAT’S NOT GREAT. SO WHAT I THINK THE CANDIDATES SHOULD DO, AND I KNOW THIS IS NOT THE TRADITIONAL WAY THEY DO IT, BUT THIS ISN’T A TRADITIONAL ELECTION. HERE’S MY IDEA. AND FOLLOW WITH ME ON THIS. INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR THE NOMINATION, I THINK THE CANDIDATES SHOULD PICK THEIR RUNG MATES NOW TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR US. MIKE BLOOMBERG, FOR INSTANCE. HE SPENT A TON OF MONEY AND IT WORKED BUT HE GOT HAMMERED IN THE DEBATE WITH STOP AND FRISK AND THESE HARASSMENT-RELATED CONFIDENTIALITY AGREEMENTS. WHAT MICHAEL BLOOMBERG NEEDS IS A STRONG RUNG MATE AND THAT RUNNING MATE, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS A LOT, SHOULD BE DENZEL WASHINGTON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YOU SEE THAT? YOU’D GET A HUGE CHUNK OF THE BLACK VOTE. AND WHILE A LOT OF WOMEN WANT A FEMALE PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE A LOT OF WOMEN WANT? DENZEL WASHINGTON. THAT’S RIGHT. BLOOMBERG-WASHINGTON. THAT’S A STRONG TICKET. OKAY. SO THAT’S WHAT BLOOMBERG SHOULD DO. NEXT YOU HAVE JOE BIDEN, ANOTHER OLD WHITE MAN WHOSE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS THAT HE’S NOT PROGRESSIVE ENOUGH. SO WHO DO WE PAIR HIM WITH? FLO. [ LAUGHTER ] ENERGETIC, WOMAN, ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WITH MORE COMMERCIALS THAN MIKE BLOOMBERG. SHE’S GOT NAME RECOGNITION. SHE’S LITERALLY PROGRESSIVE. SHE WORKS FOR THE COMPANY. [ LAUGHTER ] AND IF ANYONE CAN FIGURE OUT THIS INSURANCE MESS, SHE’S BEEN ON THAT FOR YEARS. AND ON TOP OF THAT JOE AND FLO, GREAT BUMPER STICKER. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] EVEN JOE BIDEN COULD REMEMBER THAT. NOW WE HAVE ELIZABETH WARREN. SHE’S TOUGH, INTELLIGENT, ALMOST TOO INTELLIGENT. KIND OF THE GROWN-UP VERSION OF THE SMART KID NO ONE LIKES THAT MUCH IN SCHOOL. VERY BRIGHT. BUT SHE NEEDS SOMEONE FUN. SHE NEEDS SOMEONE LIKE LIZZO. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] LIZ AND LIZZO. LIZZO WOULD BE A GREAT VICE PRESIDENT. SHE’D — AND SHE’D BE THE SECOND VICE PRESIDENT WHO PLAYS THE FLUTE AFTER MIKE PENCE. YOU KNOW THAT? [ LAUGHTER ] OKAY. SO NOW YOU HAVE BERNIE. HE’S IN THE LEAD. BUT HE’S VERY FAR LEFT. SO FAR LEFT HE WOULDN’T TOLERATE A CENTRIST RUNNING MATE. HE NEEDS SOMEONE WHO WON’T THREATEN HIS IDEOLOGY. HE NEEDS SOMEONE YOUNG AND SOMEONE THE BERNIE BROS WILL ACCEPT. BERNIE SANDERS NEEDS PAM FROM “THE VOICE” TO BE HIS RUNNING MATE. [ APPLAUSE ] NOT JENNA FISCHER THE ACTRESS. PAM. THAT’S A SOLID TICKET. NEXT WE HAVE AMY KLOBUCHAR. SHE DOESN’T HAVE A LOT OF SUPPORT, DOESN’T HAVE A LOT OF CHARISMA. OUT OF MONEY. AMY KLOBUCHAR’S ONLY HOPE RIGHT NOW IS OPRAH WINFREY. K.O. EVERYONE GETS HEALTH CARE AND A CAR. AND THE OTHER WILD CARD IS BUTTIGIEG. MAYOR PETE. HE’S GOT SOME HURDLES, THOUGH. HE’S TOO YOUNG. HE’S TOO CLEAN. HE’S GAY, WHICH SADLY IS GOING TO BOTHER SOME PEOPLE. AND HE’S FROM SOUTH BEND, INDIANA, WHICH IS JUST SLIGHTLY BIGGER THAN A WALMART. THESE TWO PEOPLE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO’VE EVER VACATIONED FROM THAT AREA. [ LAUGHTER ] SO WHAT MAYOR PETE NEEDS IS SOMEONE WHO’S ROUGH, DIRTY, MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE BIT HOMOPHOBIC, SOMEONE WITH SOME GOOD OLD-FASHIONED UNCLE POWER. AND FOR THAT I SAY PETE, I’D LIKE YOU TO TAKE A GOOD HARD LOOK AT A FELLOW NAMED MEL GIBSON. [ APPLAUSE ] . BUTTIGIEG SUGAR [ BLEEP ] 2020. AND THERE YOU GO. PROBLEM SOLVED. NOW WE CAN DECIDE. THANK YOU. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I APPRECIATE THAT. THAT’S A GOOD IDEA. THIS IS WHAT I WAS DOING WHILE YOU WERE DRIVING YOUR SON TO SCHOOL LAST WEEK.>>Guillermo: OH, MY GOD.>>Jimmy: ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL 65% OF AMERICANS THINK TRUMP WILL EITHER DEFINITELY OR PROBABLY BE RE-ELECTED. BUT ONE PROMINENT CONSERVATIVE IN HOLLYWOOD IS NOT ON TEAM TRUMP. CLINT EASTWOOD THIS WEEKEND ANNOUNCED HE WILL SUPPORT MICHAEL BLOOMBERG. WHICH IS SURPRISING. TYPICALLY HE LOVES A MILLION-DOLLAR BABY. SO YOU THINK HE’D BE WITH TRUMP. BUT CLINT EASTWOOD FAMOUSLY SPOKE AT THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION IN 2012. HE HAD A LONG CONVERSATION WITH AN EMPTY CHAIR. BUT IT’S SURPRISING HE WOULD GO AGAINST TRUMP SEEING AS HOW THEY DID TWO MOVIES TOGETHER BACK IN THE ’70s AND ’80s. [ APPLAUSE ] I GUESS THERE MUST BE A RIFT. MEANWHILE, THE PRESIDENT IS IN INDIA RIGHT NOW FOR A TWO-DAY EAT PRAY LOVE HIMSELF TOUR. THIS IS HIS FIRST TRIP TO INDIA SINCE TAKING OFFICE. AND I HESITATE TO SAY HE DIDN’T DO HIS HOMEWORK BUT HE DID SEE A LITTLE BIT CONFUSED WHEN HE GOT OFF THE PLANE. [ LAUGHTER ] I DON’T KNOW WHO’S ADVISING HIM. BUT — THE INDIAN PRIME MINISTER REALLY LAID IT ON THICK. [ LAUGHTER ] WE MADE THAT UP. BUT IT’S POSSIBLE. [ LAUGHTER ] THE INDIAN PRIME MINISTER ORGANIZED A HUGE RALLY TO WELCOME TRUMP AT THE LARGEST CRICKET STADIUM IN THE WORLD. TRUMP DOESN’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT CRICKET. THE ONLY CRICKET TRUMP KNOWS ARE THE ONES HE HEARS WHEN HE ASKS MELANIA IF HE CAN SLEEP IN HER ROOM. THE MAN LOVES AN AUDIENCE AND HE CHARMED THE CROWD WITH A TASTE OF HIS VAST KNOWLEDGE OF INDIAN CULTURE.>>AS THE GREAT RELIGIOUS TEACHER SWAMI VIVE-KUMUNAND ONCE SAID — [ LAUGHTER ]>>Jimmy: CLEARLY HIS SPEECHWRITER HATES HIM. WHY EVEN PUT THAT NAME IN THE TELEPROMPTER? HE HAD TO READ A LOT OF NEW WORDS ON THE TELEPROMPTER TODAY. AND IF YOU GET A KICK OUT OF HIS STRUGGLES WITH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, WAIT UNTIL YOU GET A LOAD OF THIS.>>FROM SUCHIN TENDOKUR — SWAMI VIVEKUNAND. CLASSIC INDIAN FELLAS LIKE DDLJ AND CHO SKRCHLT E SPP CHAWALA EKISELER. NAMASTE. NAMASTE.>>Jimmy: NAMASTE INDEED. NAMUSTE. [ APPLAUSE ] AND OF COURSE TRUMP WAS VERY FOCUSED ON THE SIZE OF THE CROWDS GATHERED TO GREET HIM. HE SAID THIS COULD BE THE BIGGEST EVENT THEY’VE EVER HAD IN INDIA. AND AS YOU CAN SEE, THIS IS DURING HIS SPEECH. THE PLACE WAS ABSOLUTELY JAM-PACKED. EVEN BEFORE HE LEFT THE UNITED STATES HE WAS BRAGGING TO REPORTERS THAT THEY WERE GOING TO HAVE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN THE STREET TO GREET HIM. BUT THIS IS INDIA WHERE THEY HAVE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE IN LAUND ROH MATZ. [ LAUGHTER ] THE OTHER REASON THIS IS AN INTERESTING TRIP FOR TRUMP IS BECAUSE THE INDIAN PRIME MINISTER IS A STRICT VEGETARIAN AND HE DOES NOT PLAN TO SERVE OUR PRESIDENT MEAT OF MY KIND. HIS PLAN IS TO SERVE HIM VEGETARIAN MEALS, WHICH IS LIKE TRYING TO FILL A BUICK WITH SAFFLOWER OIL.
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IT JUST DOESN’T WORK.

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