Articles, Blog

Cyanide & Happiness Compilation – #1

August 31, 2019


*Muffled laughter* *plate shatters* -*Chuckles* Well son, are you ready to open your present? Whoa! *Tears wrapping paper* -Wha…?
-It’s your very own pony! Dad, you idiot!
I WANTED AN XBOX! *Grumbles* Nuh uh uh! Not so fast, son. This isn’t JUST a pony, for within this pony is the antidote. An antidote you ask? Why; the antidote for the POISON that was in your birthday cake! *Flickers lights and imitates thunder* *Sinister chuckle* Oh yes, that’s right son. You ate a poison! Now you get to choose either to kill the pony to retrieve the antidote, or spare the pony and let yourself DIE! The clock is ticking, birthday boy. *Maniacal laughter* Kill the pony! *Laughs* Yes, yeah son!
-*Screams and charges towards pony* *Sounds of stabbing, neighing horse* *Yelps and begins to sob* *Shuffles through horse’s organs* -*Running noises* Happy birthday, son! *Laughs* Well, it would seem that the lesson… …was more valuable than the present; ey, boy? *Opens fridge* Reach into the back; those are the freshest. I know, I know… *Grunts* Whoa! Okay, I got it. We’re going to need you to power down before takeoff. Thank you! *Attention sound* Welcome aboard Magic Airlines. This is your (uhh…) captain speaking. If you look down the aisle, you’ll see (uhh…) Cindy, who will be… …demonstrating for you the (uhh…) safety features we have on-board your flight. Emergency exits can be found at the front and rear of the plane. Please turn off all electronic devices during this time until it is safe. In case of an emergency, An oxygen mask will dispense from your overhead. To inflate your life preserver, pull on these doohickeys here. That oughta do it. Magic Airlines appreciates your attention; thank you. *Attention sound* Alright folks, buckle up, I hope you paid attention to our safety features on today’s flight, Because (uhh…) we’re gonna take a little pop quiz. *Plane splashes* “Crowd Gasps” *Screams of fear* *Metal clank, screams from climbers* There’s too much weight! I — I have to cut the rope! *stammers* I’m sorry! WAIT! Let me do it! Whoa! What the fuck, dude?! There’s too much weight; it has to be done. I’m sorry! What makes you think he can hold you?! Trust me, he can! He’s been working out! Tell him I’ve been working out! Well, if anything, can’t we cut the piano off? Huh. Yeah, that might actually be a good place to start. Whoa, whoa whoa! Slow down! Slow the fuck down! I didn’t come all the way to perform the first sonata… …at the summit of this mountain just to fall off and die! Are you fucking kidding me? I’m sorry, there’s no other way.
I..I’m so sorry… Your piano is just too heavy… Your mother’s too heavy! Hey!
-You take that back! Make me!
*begins to cut* I take it back!
*rock crumbles* Guys, I’m slipping! *Dramatic piano music* Haha, nice! Thank you!
-Seriously though, we’re all gonna die! Hold on! We’re…we’re gonna figure this out!!! If I may, if you’re still deciding that whole “where to cut the rope” thing, *chuckles* Um, pretty sure the guy below me is a pedophile. I’m a teacher; not a pedophile!!! This is a field trip; I’ve told you guys like nine times! Wait, there’s kids down there? We can’t kill kids! Not just that; they’re retarded kids!!! Oh, God!
-This is bad! This is really bad! Hey, uh… can we just cut off the panda bear?
-*Whimpers* I should think not! That’s an endangered species! Oh, okay. Hmm. (to all) What does everyone else think? Drop him.
-Ditto.
-Kill the panda! Cool; here ya go! Whoops! Well, this is it! *Sad piano music* It’s been an honor climbing with you guys! I’ll see you all in another life! *Music stops, snapping sound* *Multiple thuds and groans*
-that’s the knife. *Phone rings* Hi, this is Rod’s Thick Pizza. How do you want it? Hi there. I’m a real lonely girl, and I’m so hungry. I could take ALL the meat you have. Mmm… I think we could “do it” for you, Would you perhaps like a spicy mexican? Or a hot Italian sausage?… Ooh, I’ll take Italian, with extra sausage. Now ma’am, you know we only do it “deep”… I’m so ready!!! Mmm, good. I’ll be “coming” in thirty minutes. See you then. I’ll be waiting… *Doorbell rings* Hello ma’am, here’s your pizza!!! Aaaaand? Aaaaaand…that’ll be 12.95. “Shocking breath” *Laughing* “Panicked shout” Alright everyone!!! Let’s get moving!!! Single file, let’s go!!! *Screams* Sorry, we’re only evacuating woman and children first. Hey Hey..mom!! Whaaa. WHAAAA. Whaaaa whaaa! *Struggling Grunt* huuuu, huuuh!!! Alright, we have room for two more. Next. Wah. Ok, climb aboard. Ha, thank’s ma’am (Man voice)
No problem -Hehehey, alriiight! -Get this bra off me! *Chattering* *Crying* Doc, give me the good news! How’s my bundle of joy doing? (Low voice)
Hmm…No… No that’s…that’s not right at all… Oh no?…Is there something wrong? Uh… I’m sorry to tell you this, Miss McCloud but… I think you’re feelling what is called a “phantom pregnancy.” The symptoms you’re experiencing are psychosomatic… You simply aren’t pregnant.. WHAT?!! No that can’t be, i know that I’m pregnant i can feel it! Ma’am, I understand that this is very difficult news to hear… But I can assure you that you’re not pregant. -I’m so sorry, I can’t ima…
-wuuuuUUUAAAAA I’M GOING INTO LABOUR!
AAAHHH Woah woah woah woah, wait, wai..wait, what? How can that happ…
Oh o.. o.. ok um… Take deep breath Miss McCloud, uhh… Deep breaths… In, and out In, and out -Haaaaaaa!!!
-Ok you’re doing good -AAAAAAH!!!!!! IT HURTS!!
-Keep breathing -IT F*CKING HUUURTS!!!! You better watch you’re mouth Miss McCloud, you’re baby’s coming out swearin’ like a sailor! SHUT THE F*CK UP AND HELP ME!!!! Yes of course, Just keep pushing, and focus on the breathing, -Perfect, Just like that…
-AAAAAAAH -I think I can see it!
-HAAOOOooow SHIT! “Plop” I cannot believe it!!! It’s a boy!!! Well, Ms. McCloud, it seems I spoke too soon! You are now the proud mother of a bouncing baby bo….. M.. Miss McCloud? Okay, when we break the news to the kids, We need to do it in a way that doesn’t make one of us seem like “the bad guy.” We need to let them know that we still love them…we just don’t love each other. Yeah… you’re right. But, look, it’s okay, I’ll start the conversation… If they have any anger, it will be towards me. They can’t be mad forever. Really? Wow. Thank you Brad. That’s very mature of you. Well… they’ve always liked you more anyway… heh… Kiiiids, put you’re toys down for a minute. Your father and I… Your father and I have something to tell you… Kids, your mom and I love you, very much. So very much! You’re just the best kids in the gosh darn world, and we are so lucky to be your parents.. And that’s why, I’M RAISING YOUR ALLOWANCE BY FIVE WHOLE DOLLARS! (Both kids)
-Yeaaahhhh! What? -Thank you daddy!
-You’re the best dad ever. Brad? What are you doing? Kid’s, you’re not getting a bigger allowance. Your father and I are getting a divorce! WHAT??!! Noo!! M-Mom? Whyyy??!!! -Why are you doing this to us?
-Yeah mom, whyyyy? *Cries* You monster!!!!! “Neighing horse” “Country Music” Starly: Can I put it in your butt?
Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt?
Starfy: Can you put it in my what? Starly: Can I put it in your butt?
Starfy: Yes you can!
Starly: Thank you Starfy! Haaa… Pinocchio, you look marvelous. You almost look like a real boy… I wanna be a REAL doll! *Flute Music* *Drilling* “SMS” “whistle music” “Blink” “Whistle” “SMS” “Cash sound” “Whistle” “SMS” “Sad violin music” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Whistle” “SMS” “Suspense Music” Pfft… “Whistle” “Scream” “Sad piano music” *Whistle music* *Crying bird chirps*

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100 Comments

  • Reply Lucia Quiñones August 25, 2019 at 6:58 pm

    Que demonios te pasa hijo de de puta

  • Reply Salubrious Succ August 25, 2019 at 9:56 pm

    Whats with the pregnancy one

  • Reply Apple pop Edmond August 25, 2019 at 11:42 pm

    Wow who does that

  • Reply Braiel Lucas August 26, 2019 at 1:56 am

    🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕

  • Reply Cøaster Crazy Caleb August 26, 2019 at 3:43 am

    Not gonna lie the last one made me lose it because he was using his d**k to push people around!

  • Reply Adam andhisbestfriend August 26, 2019 at 5:10 am

    12:00 what is he doing
    1. Looking at the butt
    2. Taking out the baby

  • Reply Jamon Rose August 26, 2019 at 5:57 am

    Can someone tell me what the song is called, the one that the pianist played when they were about to fall off the cliff

  • Reply Maria Susanu August 26, 2019 at 10:44 am

    Ce cacat

  • Reply D Green Dragon August 26, 2019 at 12:24 pm

    Man guys what twisted animations do you do!

  • Reply Aiden Seybold August 26, 2019 at 9:11 pm

    "Junk Mail" 15:39

  • Reply Tudo Misturado August 26, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    QUE POHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA FOI ESSA NO COMEÇO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!!

  • Reply Amelia Casey August 26, 2019 at 9:51 pm

    That farther is brutal

  • Reply Barry Bartlett August 26, 2019 at 9:57 pm

    As funny as cancer.

  • Reply sanicboy279 Cow August 26, 2019 at 10:31 pm

    Rip pony

  • Reply Season4Life August 26, 2019 at 11:02 pm

    Thumbnail

  • Reply Jessica Melendez August 27, 2019 at 2:22 am

    What why the pony

  • Reply DragonPulse 12301 August 27, 2019 at 4:10 am

    JEFFY GOT demonetised AND NOT THIS!!!

  • Reply PrixorFan August 27, 2019 at 5:20 am

    The bird crying on big dick man Got me crying

  • Reply Sarah Hasan August 27, 2019 at 6:06 am

    Haaaa

  • Reply S Beck August 27, 2019 at 6:37 am

    email. xd

  • Reply neko neko August 27, 2019 at 7:07 am

    Pinochio actually became a doll with a drill in the ass😂😂😂

  • Reply Tiger Production August 27, 2019 at 7:44 am

    Täis needus to be a TV show.

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:36 am

    2:15: plane yaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:38 am

    3:50 this is a cool snowy mountain

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:43 am

    5:58: whey fall of but doesnt die xd

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:44 am

    check out 8:06 because its soooo funny

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:45 am

    8:15: ITS FREAKING 5 WEIGHT AND CANT LIFT?!?!?!!?!?!?!

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:46 am

    i mean 8:12

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:48 am

    8:22: how the heck can he lift at 100 weight?!?!?!?!?!?/hes not lifting properly

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:49 am

    8:29: another?!?!!?!??

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:50 am

    8:35 poor guy why he doing that

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:51 am

    8:39 the poor guy hes going to get squished D:

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:52 am

    9:00 TITANIC IS SINKIIIIIING

  • Reply Peter Sagat August 27, 2019 at 9:52 am

    I MEAN 9:12

  • Reply LiamYT August 27, 2019 at 11:08 am

    I feel so bad for the kids on big sausage pizza and even worse it was a 7th b-day

  • Reply I’m_Sinister August 27, 2019 at 1:14 pm

    I’m so confused

  • Reply Amanda Madsen August 27, 2019 at 6:39 pm

    What’s up with the ”The pregnancy” one?😂😂😂

  • Reply fakE L2 August 27, 2019 at 9:48 pm

    The divorce is weird af

  • Reply frank Paulewicz August 27, 2019 at 10:03 pm

    LOL

  • Reply slayer {but most people call me slay} August 27, 2019 at 10:11 pm

    DO some more video

  • Reply Wrestling August 28, 2019 at 1:24 am

    That's the funniest sh** I ever saw

  • Reply Wrestling August 28, 2019 at 1:26 am

    It's not fair how they let men die and let woman and children go?

  • Reply haj kasra jafari August 28, 2019 at 3:09 am

    🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • Reply Mariah D. August 28, 2019 at 4:10 am

    Eggnog

  • Reply Jhun Russel atienza August 28, 2019 at 5:39 am

    Cool

  • Reply Jhun Russel atienza August 28, 2019 at 5:51 am

    Pregnancy

  • Reply •Shaira Natsume• August 28, 2019 at 8:11 am

    Oh yeah I remember Killing a pony in my 9th birthday too…

  • Reply Indipendenza Stato Pontificio August 28, 2019 at 9:34 am

    17:43 a lenin monument in the background

  • Reply puzzle piece August 28, 2019 at 10:45 am

    I LOVE the mountain one- it has always been my fave!

  • Reply Parth Purandare August 28, 2019 at 11:36 am

    Man wtf i seriously dint agree with the first one🤦‍♂️, is killin a horse for a damnn xbox worth it? Nd ITS NOT EVN FUNNY

  • Reply Lonly Guy August 28, 2019 at 3:55 pm

    Wtf no seriously holy sh?t brutal the x box thing

  • Reply Mouk mouk Gaming August 28, 2019 at 5:05 pm

    15:38

  • Reply juustergo player August 28, 2019 at 5:43 pm

    Pizza one was SO WRONG XDDDDD

  • Reply paperboy ! August 28, 2019 at 8:12 pm

    The first one is like saw

  • Reply Jaydan Roberts August 28, 2019 at 9:15 pm

    WIF WTF WTF!!!!!!! 😨

  • Reply Marc Boodee August 28, 2019 at 11:02 pm

    I love your video

  • Reply flamingojose Ocampo August 29, 2019 at 1:49 am

    Lol birthday boy is saw 😱 wohaaaaaaaa happy birthday son

  • Reply Reis bogiqi August 29, 2019 at 2:02 am

    i like your draw

  • Reply Artin Sajjadi August 29, 2019 at 4:22 am

    😀

  • Reply Zeke Lee August 29, 2019 at 5:51 am

    Sinking ship is pike what the🤯

  • Reply Anna Levinsohn August 29, 2019 at 8:11 am

    Fuking daddy

  • Reply Gaming cu Z4CK August 29, 2019 at 9:27 am

    12:26 Ooohhhh Phantom Pregnancy i got it the baby is a phantom

  • Reply Jennifer Van Winckel August 29, 2019 at 3:49 pm

    I don’t get the pregnancy skit

  • Reply Fidel Contreras August 29, 2019 at 4:23 pm

    Ok…what did i watch

  • Reply Charles DaMitz August 29, 2019 at 5:42 pm

    How did he get the Xbox in the poney?

  • Reply Riad Islam August 29, 2019 at 5:49 pm

    I didn’t get the pregnancy!!!

  • Reply The Ist Vistor Ist August 29, 2019 at 6:14 pm

    ”You ate a Poison!” Incorrect grammar, CORRECTION!:
    ”You ate Poison!”

  • Reply FR33ZIX August 29, 2019 at 7:49 pm

    StickMemes

  • Reply inef jetpack August 29, 2019 at 8:59 pm

    J je …. M mais ce mec A … Du dépenser une thune pas possible pour payer l'aniv le gâteau le poney l'emballage la x bocks waoh même l'eau a la fin

  • Reply Jean Bob du fond August 29, 2019 at 9:59 pm

    Brest father of the world

  • Reply Em Outro Mundo August 29, 2019 at 11:06 pm

    Todinho do passarinho 😢😢😢😢😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

  • Reply TripleSpike August 29, 2019 at 11:15 pm

    lol the pizza

  • Reply killcharge August 30, 2019 at 3:40 am

    Dark humor is like anti vax kids, it never gets old

  • Reply WhyAmIAlive August 30, 2019 at 5:15 am

    Yooo what what was up with the pregnancy one XD

  • Reply Lane Miller August 30, 2019 at 5:39 am

    Cool

  • Reply JJWrighty 05 August 30, 2019 at 7:46 am

    Thr sinking ship got me the most lol

  • Reply Jabroni Juice August 30, 2019 at 8:15 am

    Cowboy:Can I put it in your butt
    Woman:Can you put it in my what?
    Cowboy:Can I put it in your butt
    Woman:Can you put it in my what?
    Cowboy:Can I put it in your butt
    Woman:Yes you can
    Cowboy:Thank you ma’am

    FIN

  • Reply chan exo August 30, 2019 at 8:16 am

    ทำซับไทยเยอะๆนะคับ

  • Reply JJWrighty 05 August 30, 2019 at 10:58 am

    Also screw that 13 year old girl ghost

  • Reply I am T August 30, 2019 at 3:18 pm

    I'm mad bcs I was looking at the first mini-animation and I didn't seed any jigsaw references. I mean, c'mon man!

  • Reply Не йухайся! August 30, 2019 at 4:57 pm

    Зачем

  • Reply Не йухайся! August 30, 2019 at 4:57 pm

    Пенис

  • Reply Не йухайся! August 30, 2019 at 4:58 pm

    Сессксссссссс

  • Reply Не йухайся! August 30, 2019 at 4:58 pm

    Пять ночей

  • Reply Не йухайся! August 30, 2019 at 4:58 pm

    Они все взорвутся

  • Reply Не йухайся! August 30, 2019 at 4:58 pm

    Володя плэть

  • Reply Jeremy Smith August 30, 2019 at 5:43 pm

    I just found these exist and I IMMEDIATELY subscribed after watching just ONE of the shorts 😂 👍🏽 these are fanfukkintastic 👍🏽

  • Reply laulau deb August 30, 2019 at 5:52 pm

    On dirait la vrai vie😹😹😹

  • Reply anshuman rawat August 30, 2019 at 6:48 pm

    You! Monster

  • Reply Miko August 30, 2019 at 7:32 pm

    8:42 than comes a bigger guy and lifts The Entire gym

  • Reply Stephanie Hunt August 30, 2019 at 8:14 pm

    "Thank you Starfy!" lol

  • Reply D J August 30, 2019 at 8:30 pm

    “Cuz uhh we’re gonna take a little pop quiz” 😂😂😂

  • Reply Jason Dazur August 30, 2019 at 8:47 pm

    14:31 XD can i put it in your butt can u put it in my what XD

  • Reply Little Pup-Cakes August 30, 2019 at 8:52 pm

    Thats a bad dad

  • Reply Little Pup-Cakes August 30, 2019 at 8:53 pm

    He made his own sun kill a pony!!! Hes terrible

  • Reply MrWaffle FergustheBurgus August 30, 2019 at 10:40 pm

    He's messed up

  • Reply GigaX August 30, 2019 at 10:43 pm

    The old episodes are the best…they´re more cynical and dark. 😀

  • Reply Communist Pepe August 30, 2019 at 11:39 pm

    Can I get 3 dildo dippers with parmesan and garlic dip

  • Reply sailorcarr August 31, 2019 at 1:23 am

    Haha

  • Reply End the Fortnite era. August 31, 2019 at 4:25 am

    For those wondering how the horse got thr xbox inside of it well.

    When a xbox and a horse love each other very muchhhh

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